"Every morning is a fresh beginning. Every day is the world made new. Today is a new day. Today is my world made new. I have lived all my life up to this moment, to come to this day. This moment--this day--is as good as any moment in all eternity. I shall make of this day--each moment of this day--a heaven on earth. This is my day of opportunity." ~Dan Custer
sometimes i don't like internet based media....not the journalists mind you, but the fact that whatever you say it's broadcast everywhere and anywhere....there's no control. you have to be as careful about what you write on the internet as you would talking to the town gossip. it frustrates me. It makes it near to impossible to share without being overexposed.
I guess i'm just feeling that there's very few places where i feel i can be honest anymore. and lying is just too tiresome.
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in other news, i feel something building inside...the little rusty word machine is churning a bit and dying to bleed out some inspiration....it's sad that there's so little time.
lukas pushed the highchair over to the island, where a large pan of fresh out of the oven brownies cooled. He popped up on the chair, surveying his treasure, "ooo brownies, yum yum." then evil momma hearing him, came and pulled him away with a laugh. she did give him a brownie though, because not even momma can resist his charm.
So I finally got around to combining all of my music into one folder on the computer. I think I finally have it all consolidated and I redownloaded itunes for the 10th time. Now i'm converting all the files, putting them in itunes, and then i have to track down my old ipod software disk so that i can update my ipod for the first time in over two years rofl. The tricky part is that I'm going to have to either update the ipod manually (as if) or find out if itunes has a program where i can buy unlimited rights to the stuff I downloaded long ago when they had their whole "only for 5 machines" rule. Hopefully they have a program, because I really really don't want to manually update all the stuff not on the ipod and I really really don't want to lose music that I legitimately paid for. Makes sense right?
The whole point to all of this is that I'm tired of listening to the same 7 gb or so of music that I was into 2 years ago (and still am, but i've grown child). And this way I can finally go back to listening to stuff I like on the trips in the car rather than the drivel people put out on mainstream radio now. I was going to replace my old white blocky ipod this year but thought, hey if it still works, why replace it? sounds like a winner right?
It's going to take hours and hours to import everything back into itunes, but it's worth it damn it!
Now some other day when i'm feeling froggy, i'll have to combine all my other picture files and video files into one streamlined organizational system. I got a great start on it a year ago, but have accumulated so much in that tiny time that it needs it again. After that, I shall go to work cleaning the hell out of old file systems and programs that see exactly zero use and then I will truly claim my awesome computer of doom! Muhahahaha! Because that's what I do, I organize and conquer. And then the next yahoo that messes with my computer better live up to the system or I'll slowly and painfully eviscerate them with my nagging.
I feel the need to express myself more again. I'll make no promises and thus make no lies, but I'd like to start writing again. Even if no one ever reads what I write, I need to start documenting again. It's the outlet that I love most, because it's me talking to me:). That and I read some of my old work, journals and other writings and I miss that voice. I would say "voice of reason" but she's not always reasonable lol.
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in other news, my younger brother david is in the hospital burn unit from a freak fire accident when he was burning some brush. i'm still in shock and full of worries about it, it just doesn't seem real. part of me wants to go see him just to shock the system, but i have nothing to offer to help him so i refuse to dignify that selfish part of me. besides the fact that he said he doesn't want anyone to see him. i worry that he'll be heavily scarred and that it will impede his life or that his child will never know his father as he was before. i worry that he'll lose his ability to play music, which is the only thing in life that i've ever seen give him peace and joy. and i worry that he'll become paralyzed with a fear of fire. i wish i could do something for him other than sending good thoughts and prayers, but for now, i'll leave it be.
Location -thinking early september 2010, checked history of weather and seems like least rain and not as overheated. -still want outside, but have thought a nice twilight, early evening time might be beautiful with just the -right lighting and dress (would have to pop) -might be nice to have a faux gazebo of sorts, a diy sort of deal. if day, some kind of nice vine/flower/1920's kind of look. if early evening, same but with string of lights (can you find battery powered lights?) -lighting for twilight would necessitate candles, solar polared aisles lights (really like those moonstone like ones that jason's parents have), something with glow....might be tricky but again would be so glittering and perfect -seating??? stand for very short ceremony? rent chairs? unsure...
Theme -no real surprise here, i want natural, beautiful, fairy enchanted movie like...the Susan kind of perfect fairytale princess wedding. -very small and limited guest list. family of course, including extended (though who knows who actually will show), small list of friends (Susan: catherine & wolf & family, stephanie(sic), sonya, christian, chris s. & family, anngee?, kim (i really need to call her, i am such a bad friend)?), coworkers? (uhm...maybe? like the ones i like, not ones i tolerate, though as long as i'm getting presents does it matter ...rofl, i kid...but no really i don't lol....),and whoever is conducting the darn thing. -flower girl MUST wearing fairy wings, and some sort of adorable almost elflike dress...can't stop thinking of the combo of purple and green...though if the wedding is early september, then the color needs to be richer rather than paler.... -might have to subject all wedding party members with something fanciful like wings, or beautiful flowered hair pieces, veil-like material down hair...something beautiful, feminine, and strong -pagan like:religion light; not to be confused with the absence of religion. in fact, would like there to be the presence and mention of God...just my God, not necessarially there's....absolutely NO reading of that whole "love is patient, love is kind" passage, i simply can not take hearing that again. -dress to be detailed below
Clothing -jason? who knows, but it darned well better be handsome and comfortable...we'll have to work on it -flowergirl listed above.... -women attendants should wear what they are most comfortable in, though we may have to go with a color...should make it a simple one that everyone is beautiful in...as noted earlier, there will have to be a unifying sparkle item to be decided upon later -ring boy??? dunno yet -the dress: I've thought about this one for a long time and have dresses in my head...take little bits from all of them and make one amazing dress...sleeves have to be long, slitted but connected at the wrist, elbow, and shoulder, would be nice to have flow with an elongated bell sleeve, can be made of lace, sheer, or silky...bodice could be one of many but it would be prettiest to fall from the bound shoulder, in loose buttery folds. has to be flattering, fitted bodice, leading to slimmer waist...full skirt that flows. no petticoats, but perhaps some layers....if evening wedding, the fabric has to be overlaid or inset with silvery threads and little gems or pearls to catch the light and sparkle like a star (would be so fucking beautiful)...color could be creamy, antiqued white or nice silvery one. thought about colored panels like in underskit but not sure....i don't know where this dress exists other than behind my eyes, but i will find a way to have it.
Wedding Party Matron of honor: asked Catherine long ago and still hopes she will be by my side. Other Attendant: Sonya, if she'll have me and can be there; Man of Honor:? but Austin needs to be in the ceremony somewhere, so here or as a second attendant Ringbearer: Lukas, has to be....god help us if he throws the ceremony *grin* Flowergirl: Sage, the very pixie herself....hope she has hair by then Ushers: hopefully no need of any
Flowers -need to keep fall colors and summer: sunflower yellow,burgundy, dusty rose, plums, burnt oranges... -i want gads of them! can be as simply as ferns to roses -thinking perhaps a simple bouquet of long stemmed blackeyed susans or sunflowers with astors and babies breath....if night need something bright or silvery to go with theme
Food -is it tacky to go pot luck with some catered? -definitely need drinks for my family lol -could bypass a full meal and go with cake and drinks? some finger food? (but don't you hate those weddings when you go all day and the cheapos won't feed you? at least this one would be a relaxed and quick ceremony wedding) -cake: been watching too much ace of cakes or not enough because i want tiers, flowers, and how awesome would those nice jeweled ornaments of those metal hangers be? the topper has to be my mother's topper...it's family history
Music -old ella fitzgerald jazz, classical, rock, interesting mix courtesy of perhaps maybe only an ipod lol -though wouldn't it be nice to have just a record player playing some old instrumental jazz for the official dance?
Photos -hired out baby! plus as many as my friends and family could possibly take....though i need a professional to capture those fantasticly framed candids
Reception -honestly I love the idea of a reception under a lighted tent in the field, but parking would be unavailable...so who knows? -music, food, fun
tomorrow my baby boy turns 2, what an amazing ride so far.
today my baby boy picked up a newspaper with the president elect's picture on it and said clear as day "Obama". i'm not sure what to think about that, but it's very fascinating.
i have been mum too long. i shall be posting again (with hope) tomorrow.
apparently my children are awesome, either that or i'm a strange mother. Proof is in the pudding, you say. Well take this as an example of what i mean. Sage's current favorite lullaby? Mama singing Pink Floyd's "Wish you were here"
Because I need reminding sometimes and it's good to remember why I began loving him in the first place, I'm making a list of things I love about Jason. I know that he's been logging into my journal, so I hope that he'll read this and know that I love him. These things are never far from my mind, but have a terrible time passing my lips. There's no one to fault in that but my own inability to open up.
*when he's in a good mood, nothing makes me feel safer and better than his geniune smile *he has all these random facts in his head that he spits out sometimes, and the way he says them always makes me laugh (like Jesus maybe wanting to *create Christianity because he didn't want to pay for his holy baths or can I ever forget "feral cows" hahaha, god I still love that one) *he's extremely smart in all things mechanical, just has this inate ability to understand and fix things *despite his complaints about his body, I always felt that we fit together and I love throwing my arms around him *his hugs are perfect in that movie way *when he choses to put in the effort, his romantic ideas are not only endearing but make me feel really special *we started out with daily lovenotes about nothing (and besides the very few random emails over the years, I really miss those notes with all of my heart) *he holds my hand in the car and it comforts me (even though i must annoy him by always switching so that my hand ends up on top....and i wish that he would psychically sense that I want to hold hands more often but am afraid to touch him most of the time) *he says cute little words in his own way (some favs: amnish, waspers) *despite his complaints, i know that he would do almost anything to help a friend *he needs people, he absolutely needs people *though i was always interested, he brought out my adventurous side in the one place I always felt Catholically restricted *coughthebedroomcough* *when he is able to get past his own troubles, he can be the most loving and fun father for the children *he dances in the cutest way and i'll always want to see dancing baby :) *he has tried, in several ways, to love me when I'm far from my best and has tried to save our relationship many times. When i've been cold, bitchy, not wanted to be touched, he has stayed, kept trying, and not ran off with some hoochie. when i've insisted that he seek help for various troubles, he actually has and that's something that i know he never did for any other woman. And when i've been unfair or cruel, he has kept it to himself many times and not lashed out with terrible words that would slay me. For all of these things, I am grateful.
Things that have been bothering me lately, and I'm afraid to say to him:
*you are loved, massively loved, but you are having a hard time seeing past the void right now. if you can be patient with me, and let me ease back past your wall, you'd find that we could connect again in all the ways that you have been missing *when we are having a good day, please don't push so hard for intimacy that I turn off. you have to understand that at this point, intimacy has been far and few between in the last couple of years and I actually do need an easing into period. Please just go slower, actually make some sort of attempt to warm me up to the idea. yes this will take much more attention and foreplay than you may have had to do in the past, but I can't make it go faster. When we are at such odds, and things are so stressful, my body just won't cooperate without much much warmup. I'm not trying to be a cold prude, it's just the honest to god truth. I want intimacy and am trying to push myself further into it every day. So please don't slap me down when I am just trying to make it better so that I feel more into it. *when you insult our children by not being patient with their age and idiosynchroncies, you insult me. they are my heart and soul, and I can't stand hearing those things without hurting for them. *I don't want to change who you are, I just want to change where you are. I know you will never be the dancing happy monkey, but is it too much to hope for that you'll be happier or more able to deal with daily life? *though you insist that i don't, i fully support you in all the things you want to accomplish. fact is, I know you can do all of them. I just want you to have the faith and the action to know that you can and are. *when you say that you have "discovered" that you are attracted to fat girls, it makes me feel fat. And hearing that makes me wonder if that's the only reason you are with me and whether you'll leave if I ever get my shit together and lose the weight. That's paranoid, I know....but that's how I feel.
my mother came to visit today, with my new nephew and his mother (yay for meeting new people in the world). She called on the way over, planning on bring lunch from Wendy's and wondered if she should bring a salad since I'm on a diet. Something about that word just makes my skin crawl, so it sent me into a bit of venting. "It's not a diet!" I tell my mother, "It's a life change and a better way of eating." To further make my point, I turned down the salad and opted for a baked potato and a Jr Cheeseburger with lots of veggies. It still made for a formidable calorie crunch but a much more manageable one than I would have picked in the past. And I'm proud to say that my logging of food has gone well today, my choices for drinks, snacks, and breakfast have gone well and I am currently well under my goal for the day.
In addition, I made a conscious effort to play extra hard this morning with the toddler, opting to run around the house (actually running) throwing and chasing the ball, which made me feel closer to that exercising goal I've promised to start working on. All this in hopes that if I keep it up this week that I'll receive a reward in some actual weight loss this week. *fingers still crossed*
I have been terrible at logging my food all week and today I forced myself. It makes me sad to see that my one day's indiscretion of eating a quick meal at work from fast food blew my entire day's calorie counts. And what's sad is that I find myself hungry already as well as knowing that I did so well for the past week on my food choices. This was the first day in several weeks that I ate out at work instead of bringing my own carefully chosen food choices. So color me sad, because that's what I am.
Man I tell you that I've had a least a million entries in my head for the past week, all of them half composed either in here, on scraps of paper, or even just rumbling around in my head. Unfortunately, like most of everything else that I would like to accomplish, it all sat untouched while I ran around with the kids, sleep, and work. Hopefully, these few moments I'm grabbing while the toddler sits and the infant lays satiated, will be enough to partially get some of the thoughts that I've been going through.
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Lukas has been working on his vocabulary lately and we've had some fun with that. He's getting his parts of the body committed to mind with some humorous results. We've only worked on the basics but he really loves his belly, feet, and eyes. Eyes so much that he occasionally becomes overzealous in pointing them out and attempts to gouge out his own and others' eyes. He has also discovered the word "hat" and says it very Lukaslike with drawn out vowel and well emphasized hard "T" sound at the end. He says the "t" with an almost theatrical pause and crisp clear "tah" sound. It's quite cute. In Teletubby land (which I swear that one day you shall read an entire entry on the land of tubby show), Lukas has begun to sing his own version of the themesong. He almost always sings one character ahead, playing a bit of a preemptive back and forth song with me. So I sing "Tinky-winky!" answered with "deetee" (spelled phonetically). I will continue to sing and am answered. Sounds a bit like the following:
Lukas in italics "Tinky-winky!" "Deetee" "Dipsy!" Da-da "La-la" "Boe" "Po"
He does name Tinky-winky at other times though by the name "Teetee". I think the renaming of Po as Bo amuses me the most.
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In other words, I finally had my performance evaluation at work and was given a tiny $0.21 raise. Yay me, I suppose.
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and weight stuff...*sigh* that's an entry for later.
Success! I've found a nice calorie counting free food journal online that I'm test driving. It is very user friendly and customizable which makes tracking my food pretty simple. Already I've learned that I'm consuming far too little protein (which I knew) and far too many carbs (also knew). In case anyone else is interested in checking it out, it's My Calorie Counter.com.
so in this great effort to reach some dietary and weight goals for myself. I have been doing some research (when I have the time *snorts with laughter* time? what's that?) and have found a lot of useful information. So far I've calculated where I want my goal weight to be and calculated my current numbers on bmi (which though scary, is better than it used to be). Working from several different sources I was able to make an educated guestimation of the calories I need to maintain my weight at what I consider a pretty sedentary lifestyle and the figure of what I should take in in order to lose weight. While doing all that in the last week or two, I've begun to consider the foods that I have been eating and tried to make healthier choices when preparing the home meals. With that said, I've strayed far over the path from healthy by still consuming entirely too much sweets, colas, and fried foods out of convenience. So today I started trying to look up information on food diaries and calorie counts. This presents a problem. There seems to be so many different sources out there and I'm not sure where to turn. I think my best choice would be finding a way to journal on paper for when I'm away from home (visiting, work, etc) and then also having an online diary. My hope is that I can find a free online food diary that can help with tracking or inputing the calorie counts. I'm not sure one exists, but surely there is one.
I hate to input any of my number crunching until I can truly start my diet change and tracking, but in order to preserve the progress so far, I am putting them here. As my best friend has said in her own body change journey, sometimes the best way to make yourself accountable is to post the journey for all to see, failures and successes combined.
Yesterday I went shopping with my parents for shorts because I've gained so much weight over the last 7 years that I couldn't fit into any of the few pairs of shorts that I own. I found out that while I fit in an XL shirt it shows a bit too many rolls for my taste, and I was able to wear size 18 shorts but again too tight for maximum comfort. Therefore I'm putting my beginning clothing sizes for this journey at XXL and size 20W. Makes me sad, but it's an improvement to the 22-24's and 2XL's that I have been wearing. I still need to borrow a clothing tape measure in order to do body measurements, but at least I have a little something to go by.
Therefore, my to do list for the start of this journey includes: 1. tape measure for current body measurements 2. Pictures of full body to compare to 3. Site of information for accurate calorie counting 4. Find online food journal (necessity that this be free) or at least a good site on making my own 5. Implements with which to accurately measure food 6. Set small and long term goals and rewards in writing in order to motivate
That's all of them that I can think of at the moment, but may have to add to that list as time goes by.
ok, pictures of the hair....as a wise friend has just said "at least gray hairs don't show up in pictures". I say, give me an amen! Please excuse the exhausted face about to pop onto your screens behind this cut. And for those who know Ema in SL, I swear to god I did not bring a picture of Ema to the salon, the hairdresser just magically tuned in to the universe and gave me her same haircut...it's eery.
and in other lame news, I still can't get that darn dream from last night out of my head. Now I keep remembering that yesterday at work he was all fake intensely cheerful all day with me and at one point I was talking to a kid customer (like 3 or 4 years old) and I said "how are you doing big guy?" which I say to all the lil kids to make them feel big and important. He was walking by and turned around and said, "I'm doing great, how are you?" and then when I just said, "oh i'm great", playing along, he felt he had to explain the joke to me (as if I didn't get it)....dork. Am I obsessing? oh yeah, totally. It's just disturbing knowing I have to have a performance review with him on Friday and I'll just keep seeing this damn dream. aaaaaaaaaaargh!
so i got my hair cut today. originally I went in thinking that I wanted a good ol' assymetical short shaggy emo cut. So I got one, but I can't figure out if I look hip or if I just look like a middle aged mom with a short shaggy haircut. Either way, yay for having choices on hairstyling again as I simply never do anything with long hair other than pull it back in a clip or wind it up and put it back in a clip. I'll take pictures in the next couple of days and post them for posterity. It's the least I can do lol.
Headache from hell right now, figures that comes from not having very much caffeine today. Though I'm working on that now lol.
Talk about scary dream! I dreamed that I was having a hot and heavy makeout session and affair with my boss. And we're not talking about the cute lil assistant manager (who's just a baby compared to my aging self). No no, we're talking about the grumpy sarcastic boss. Very scary. Even in the dream I was thinking "what the hell am I doing?" Don't like that kind of dream.
holy crap, just finished watching the season finale of Lost (seeing as I worked last night and couldn't watch it when it aired).....and oh my holy goodness, it was a jawdropper in ways. it had me cringing, praying, thanking god, and saying "I KNEW IT!" ....way to bring me back to the feeling I had when I first watched the pilot many moons ago. I'm just...yeah ....wow....mom better hurry up and see it before I have to call her and spill the proverbial beans....wow....but mostly, I so fucking knew it!
finally got to see a picture of my new nephew and he looks so much like his mother :). after seeing my two little ones looking so similar, it's odd to see a baby from my family that doesn't look like my lil babies. His mother, Shannon, is doing much better now and hopefully both will be out of the hospital soon. I think that devvie's prayer request helped as well as everyone else that carried good thoughts and prayers to her. Want to see the chubby lil booger? Here he is, in all his cutey patootie glory.
“I mean seriously is there going to be some crazy cart storage in this millennium that I don't know about cos this is insane. I just is there going to be like a mad rush and people gonna desperately need carts that say Toys R Us on em. I'm just, I'm gonna have to ask somebody when I go into work what the hell is up with this and Oh post the update later if I ever get a good answer.”
“This is going to be my list of things you ask yourself as you're smoking a cigarette and waiting to go into work. Question no. 1 why would either of us have like 150 to 200 carts just lined up on the outside of the building said they never move cos there's never more than maybe 50 in the store, even at closing time when everything was filled up and where it was supposed to be, so why would we have a 150 to 200 extra carts just sitting around outside just just lined up like their being punished or something, it's very odd, I just don't know. It's just very, very odd and why on the building itself would they have white walls with the brown trim at the top that maybe every 50ft or so they just drop a little line down the wall, it looks really weird like they trying to make it look fake partitioned or something, it's just very strange. One day I shall have to bring a camera and take a picture of this unusual side of this wall with the carts that are lonely and being punished and strange minds just put it on the wall for no good reason. I just find it very odd add that to the sad lonesome cart that's in the middle of parking lot or nobody ever parks because it's the waste land of parking and the half broken down leaning is skew picnic table that I've only ever seen one person sitting at because it's in God's country at the end of the building. I just it's just like a very sad and pathetic little fight and that's all I had to say just leaving the thoughts going through my head.”
still haven't seen a picture of my new lil nephew. He's been taken off the respirator, but is still on an iv to bring his blood sugar up. apparently, no one has been allowed to hold him yet, but we think they will be allowed to tonight. His mother is in critical condition still, and visitors are being barred. Word from my mother is that she lost a lot of blood during the operation and that she had to receive a transfusion. She's being fed intravenously and they are still working to get her blood platelets and blood pressure up. *sigh* It was a very hard pregnancy for her body and the birth isn't going any easier. I'm still sending out good thoughts and energy for her. Here's hoping that each day she'll continue to improve and that she gets to meet her lil boy soon.
I'm an aunt!! My younger brother's girlfriend gave birth to my nephew, Anthony Orion, by c-section tonight. Haven't seen pictures yet, but woohoo! I'm an aunt! My children finally have a cousin! woohooo! Haven't heard yet if his mother is doing okay, we've been a bit concerned as he's 3 and a half weeks early and it was an emergency csection due to an escalating blood pressure problem during the pregnancy. Keeping my thoughts on her well-being and hoping for the best for their new family together.
and I'm an aunt :). I'm so going to be the cool aunt *grin*
ok, seriously, the calorie counts on some of the drinks listed made me want to vomit. thank god I don't drink any of them, but it really makes me want to watch what I'm drinking. Worst drinks in the world for people
Ok, I'm sure this post will be far too much information for most people, but I just have to say that bowel movements postpartum are of the devil's work. I swear to god I think I busted some stitches on this last one today. Will the constipation ever end I ask the heavens? All this and I'm taking milk of magnesia, for all the freaking good that it does. And getting more hemorrhoids on top of the hemorrhoids I got pushing the baby out? So not cool universe. Give my lower parts a rest please.
Other than that, please universe give my lil boy as much perspective on this new baby thing as a 17 month old can possibly comprehend. His tantrums and regression behavior is about to wipe me out. I'm not even able to bond to this little girl the way I want and need to because I'm too busy trying to soothe his raw emotions. Momma needs a severe rest and vacation.
Inspired by my dearest friend Danu, I am making a commitment to lose weight this year, and the following year, and so on until I feel I have reached a healthy and nonmedically termed obese person. My goal for this year will be simple, I only wish to drop the remaining baby weight pounds to reach a weight that is less than 200 lbs. I have yet to see what I weigh following the birth of the baby, mostly because I'm scared of the number and because I feel so puffy and bloated still. I know that I need to do that as well as start the trials of researching the best path on diet changes, exercise, and just what exactly this magic number in weightloss and calories should be. Danu has done so much positive research with her own life change, that I'm encouraged to do some myself. But the thing that encourages me the most is her success thus far. I've often felt that the only thing that holds me in this obese pattern is my own lazyness, choosing the easy road or the tastier road, I tell myself. But I remember just a few years back how much better I felt and how quickly I could make some small dietary changes that made major impact on how I felt. Prior to pregnancy with Lukas, I managed to drop 25 lbs in three months by only switching to diet soda (instead of my one 16 oz Dr. Pepper a day) and hyping up with exercise through working. Years before that, while living in Asheville NC, I maintained my weight at around 200 lbs, lowered my cholesterol, and gained a lot of muscle just by eating a 60% vegetarian diet and walking everywhere. I used to feel better about myself. I'd like to be in that place again.
This morning I put on my clothes to get ready to go to the Health Dept to get Lukas another set of shots. When I went to the bathroom I had to stare at myself for a few minutes because I didn't recognize the body silhouette that was mirrored at me. I looked so skinny! After months of feeling and looking like a beached whale, it was just so odd to not see a belly pouched out. It was so lovely to me. I turned to the side, flattening my shirt, then letting it loose itself back naturally on my body. I stood up straighter, then hunched down. And yes, I admit, for a split second I even sucked in my gut. My body after birth is still of course in the resettling of organs phase, so I know this isn't the same silhouette I'll see in a month, but for now it was a beautiful thing. Granted I still make faces when I see myself naked, but for now, in clothes, I feel pretty. And that's nothing to snicker at. Anyway, my point of all this, is that I'd love for the shape I saw this morning and the accompanying emotions that went with it to continue. I want to be able to see this shape every morning, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. I want to feel pretty, sexy, maybe a bit lascivious *grin*. Mostly, I just want to look in the mirror every day and love what I'm seeing as much as I loved myself this morning. I know it's possible, nay I know it will happen.
So today I hope to start that research, plan out in detail some goals (and rewards because who doesn't like being rewarded? and it's working so well for Danu), start looking at the best way for me to journal my food and exercise, and find some sort of source for healthy whole family recipes to work from. And maybe, just maybe, I'll step a foot on that scale.
one hour of sleep broken by terrible nightmares of creepy stalker neighbors and the shadow people coming to steal my lil boy. it left me shaking and afraid to go back to sleep. I hate waking up terrified that my children are gone.
gah i'm exhausted! ok, so baby girl doesn't like to sleep well at night and that sucks. She's a famously good eater at this point, sucking down more formula and breastmilk than one would think humanly possible for a baby with a stomach the size of her tiny little fist. But as for sleep? Not so good.
Today is the first day without my mother here and so far it's been interesting. I started a load of baby laundry because somehow we've already gone through every receiving blanket that I had left (note to self: pick up some more receiving blankets stat) and two changes of sheets as well as multiple baby outfits. Newborn diapers are terribly ill fitting on this little baby and unless I hike them up in the back, the mysterious pee circles appear. Makes me feel very terrible to pick her up every three hours to find yet another wet outfit.
As for me? Not as much back pain, thigh pain, or cramps, though they do still come and go depending on my activity level. Breast pumping is going slower than with lil mister. I'm amazingly producing even less than I did with him. This morning I was able to pump out an ounce and a half, but I'm only getting about a half ounce every other time during the day. It's discouraging and it feels like knives are sticking in my boobs. Como se "ouch"? My stitches from the tear are still very ouchy prompting me to believe that an epsom salt bath today is in order. We shall see....
As for today, I would like to start taking some cute pictures of lil girl, though I'm not sure she's ready for it or even up to the task. I may need to wait another week or so before taking the newborn pictures of lurve that I want. I may just play around with it and take some of the simpler ones. Otherwise on today's agenda: 1)more laundry to be done 2)eating at some point 3)calling about child care assistance 4) calling the medical card people 5)giving Sage a spongebath 6)taking a nap (with hope) 7)perhaps shaving my legs so that I stop looking like a wooly worm 8)figuring out how to deal tonight since it looks like J is taking a nightshift starting tonight. *sigh* or maybe throw most of that to the wind and just rest like a sloth.
I'm home I'm home! Thank god. okay so the auto transcription on voiceposts works like ass apparently lol. My baby girl's name is Sage Danielle not the fucked up name that auto came up with. She is awesome, no jaundice, loads more hair than lil Lukas had and is healthy healthy healthy. We both doing well though I am having really rough cramping, back pain, and a recurrent sharp shooting pain down the front of my right leg. Yay for pain meds!
Longer post later when I'm fed and medicated, but for now take these first pictures as a good post. ( Pictures of lil Sage )
“so, it's me again. I hear that the automatic transcription on my voicepost is a little funky and that it's spelling things a little strangely. So ignore that. For the record, her name is Sage (which is S A G E) Danielle (spelled the normal way D a n i e l l e). And we are calling her Sage. Right now she's sitting semisleepy in my arms. I'm about ready to send her back to the nursery when she falls back to sleep, for her first time today except when they did tests. Then I'm going to take a nice long luxourious shower and finally get to turn on the a/c in here because it's burning up where they have to keep it so warm for the baby and I'm going to rest for the rest of the night hopefully. Take some pain medication and go to sleep. I'm feeling pretty good, I can finally walk now. And I don't feel anywhere near the same kind of pain and stiffness that I felt after giving birth to Lukas. I think the forceps and the vaccumm that they had to use to get him out must have done more damage to me last time than the actual giving birth did, so...Hi big girl, staring at me because I'm talking. Hi baby. She really hates eating so far but since it's her first day I'm sure she'll get over it. She keeps rejecting the bottle. I think she'd be the great breast sucker of the century but I can't. Unfortunately I'm still experiencing low milk production problems. I am trying to pump to get the colostrum started but it's not come out more than three drops after two half hour long sessions of breast pumping. We're still going to try and when my milk comes in, hopefully there will be a little more. So that is it...we're doing well and hope everybody else out there is doing well too. Bye bye!”
“Hello! As you can tell, I'm on a voice post which means one thing, that I've had the baby and I'm at the hospital with no access to the computer. Sage Danielle was born this morning at 9:00 after four and a half hours of labor. Uhm...it went well. I had an epidural which took a loooooooong time to wear off...awww, she's gonna cry.Don't cry baby...the pushing phase came all of a sudden and when it was there, it was all over basically - couple of pushes and she was out. For those that care about such things, there was a little bit of tearing. Looks like I'll be having stitches again, unfortunately, which is fun uh huh. She's 6 lbs 12 ozs, 19 inches long, a little lighter than I thought she was going to be. Little mister hasn't seen her yet. He's on his way now to see his sister for the first time. She's very pretty and has my little dimpled chin again and looks like big ol ears. So..the right number of fingers and toes. So when we get home, I'll post some pictures. It probably wont be until Friday but I just wanted to let everybody know that she's here and everything's well. I'm ok and stuff and things. That's it!”
and the original cracked out version of autotranscription lol :Hello, as you can tell I'm on voice post which mean one thing. That I've had the baby and I'm at the hospital with no access to the computer. My baby Danyel was born this morning at 9:00 at Joe's. 4 and a half hours of labor. It went well. I had an epidural which took a long, long time to wear off. Well she's gonna cry, don't cry baby. Alright pushing dazed came all of sudden and when it was and there it was it was, it was all over basically. Couple pushes and she was out. To those who could would know about such thing. There was a little bit of tang. Looks like you'll be having stitches again unfortunately and she's like 6 pounds, she's 6lb 12oz, 19ins long totally ___. Thought she was gonna leave so I just thought I just be there so. Then I miss your cousin sooner yet. He's on he's way now. See it's just for the first time. Very pretty and she had my label. ___ and looks like to go ears. So ___ So when we get home, well I'll post some pictures probably won't be until Friday but just want let everybody know that she's here everything's well. I'm ok and nothings in. That's it.
And I'm back from the doctor. The nonstress test didn't show anything unusual on the baby's heartbeat, and I'm only dilated to 3 cm's (about 75% effaced) so all the crampyness and contractions this week have been mostly nonproductive. I could feel her pushing against the baby's head though when she did the manual exam, so the baby is sitting a little lower. They heard everything I had to say but didn't see reason to push the induction up early *sad panda face*. So as of now, I have another appointment for Friday morning to check me and if all else fails, I have an induction scheduled for Monday, May 12th at 5:30 am. Unfortunately, it's with the short stubby handed doctor that is my least favorite out of all the doctor's in the health center. Ah well. Edit: holy crap I was wrong! had the dr's name's screwed up and the doc that will induce is actually my favorite doctor out of the whole group, yay me!
So we know this, unless she finally stops being stubborn, I shall have a baby by the end of May 12th. Come hell or high water.
smallish update, still no baby. Yesterday I felt pretty darn normal, no contractions but hella crampy. This morning I woke to severe back pain and cramps again which led to another hour of uncomfortable contractions that fizzled out during a nap in a rocking chair. I have a doctors appointment at 2, where they will be doing the nonstress test on the baby to check how she's doing in there. I plan to lay the smackdown on them telling them all the nitty-gritty from mucous plug/bloody show to the now prolonged labor with hopes that they will have some sort of solution other than "waiting it out". I've googled as much as I could on this condition which is known as prodromal labor and unless I'm in an extended active labor (having dilated more than 4 cm and/or waterbroke) most experts agree that no harm will come to the baby so the average solution is to let it be. This could all end with induction however if the nonstress test shows any fetal distress or uterine breakdown. My own personal theory? That my body is fucked up and not releasing the proper amount of hormones to do this labor stuff, OR that the baby is in the "stargazing position" putting pressure on the cervix in a way that is slowing labor, OR that the baby is simply to big and yet not yet to come out. We shall know soon enough, after all a promised induction for sure is only a week away and as they say "the baby can't stay in there forever".
and I missed imaginarylove00's b'day yesterday :(....happy belated Sonya! sorry i couldn't give you a baby to join ya
argh, so frustrated. I woke at 2:30 AM with terrible cramps and a low back ache. I got up to pee, went back to bed. Woke up again at 3:30 with both pains way worse but still no discernible contractions. So I ran a hot bath and just tried to relax for a little while, hoping that either the pain would subside enough for me to sleep or that contractions would come. I was out of the bath around 4:20 or so, pain was a little less but not enough to sleep, so I went online to google "back labor" wondering if that was what was happening. I had remembered reading some little things about it and how some women were in such pain from the back that they didn't notice any uterine contractions. I was basically just sitting and rocking trying to take the pain away while the internet (which has been sluggish all morning and night) tried to load helpful pages. I concluded that it most likely was some back labor right around 5 am when contractions started. As soon as they started they put a lot of pressure on me, but weren't terribly painful, and kept clocking every 6-7 minutes apart. Wheeeeee, I thought. Once the contractions started, I went and layed in a semi-upright position in bed, watching CSI and the clock. The position in bed helped the back labor, providing some counterpressure, and I was able to pay more attention to the belly. The baby would kick really hard (hard enough to move the bed) about a minute before each contraction. It was strange really. The contractions kept their regular pattern for an hour, and at 6 AM, I went to tell my just waking up mother to not plan on leaving today. She had been down, sure as I was that the baby was coming this weekend, so I wanted to make sure she didn't pack up and leave like her original plan. After telling her, the contractions continued for about 20 minutes but then stalled for another half hour. Jason woke up a little before 7 and the contractions had then moved to intervals of 15 mins apart. Since then, back pain and cramps have returned, and occasional contractions, but they have seemed to stall again. *big huge disappointed frown* I had the same problem with Lukas's birth, but since my water had broken already, they went ahead and used pitocin to induce the stronger contractions. So now I don't know what to do. Do I call the hospital and ask them if I should come in? Do I carry on and just wait for the next infuriating round? It's like my body just doesn't want to cooperate.
So at this point, I feel exhausted, tried to nap but it brought back major back pain and cramps and the insane almost fever like dreams woke me up crying. I guess I'll google "stalled labor" and maybe find out some tips. This is just so so frustrating!
if you are squimish, read no further, but I had to post:
I just passed the most gigantous piece of mucous ever and it was tinged with blood. I'm guessing that was the rest of the mucous plug and definitely bloody show. The baby having show is about to begin! Counting down the hours now baby girl!
*stares at computer screen* so yeah, let's have a chorus of "still no baby". Dr's appointment on Tuesday was less than encouraging on baby labor status. Though they said that my uterus was measuring smaller (a good sign that the baby has moved lower in the abdomen) and that I was dilated another cm or so (somewhere between 2 and 3 now), there really was no indication of when the baby will decide to be born. In addition, my insurance will only pay for inducement after I pass 41 weeks or only if the baby is in danger. *sigh* That means that if the nonstress test I take at next Tuesday's appointment shows everything going well that the earliest I'll have an inducement would be May 13th. I keep saying "Surely she'll come before then, surely".
Started yesterday morning with a few hours of painful contractions, but they were very irregular and ended up fizzling out about three hours after they started leaving me with a dull lower ache throb and crampyness for the rest of the day. I walked everywhere I could trying to bring them back stronger, but no go. It's like she wants to stay in there forever. I never thought I'd be in my 40th week of pregnancy saying "Where's the baby?" and the longer it goes the more risk of having to have a c-section which I want to avoid at all costs. So yeah, still no baby, still hating pregnancy, so ready for tasteless nonfilling hospital food.
In other news, the Kentucky Derby is Saturday, yay!! Here's hoping I get to watch it, I'm still planning on making the crackdip (yuuuuuuuuuuuuuuum)
I was supposed to work a very tortorous 8 hour shift today, but feeling incredibly ill all morning led to the rare event of me calling into work. I had hopes that was some sort of sign that lil girl was coming, but no such luck. So tomorrow I shall head to the doctors appointment and then to work *sigh*
But here's something to enjoy about this never-ending 40th week of pregnancy: lil Lukas poking my belly button or belly and saying "bump" and then laughing like a little devil. This is of course repeated way too many times until he gets rough at which point I say "be nice" and he precedes to chirp and coo while patting my belly as if I was the cat. Some memories are best kept *smile*
I've been doing labor inducing accupressure points today, hoping for any little twitch....it hasn't worked lol.
*sigh* so yeah, needless to say, still no baby. I was really hoping she'd come this week so that I wouldn't miss too much work and because I was hoping that I'd be able to see the play Avenue Q on Saturday with my mother. I guess if all else fails and she's still not here, mom and I will travel the few hours to see the play with hopes that she at least holds off that day before coming. All of these last few weeks of pregnancy would be easier if they could tell you a day that the baby is actually coming instead of staying up at night thinking "Is this it? Are these the real contractions I need to time or can I just roll over and get my sporadic sleep?" I never was one for waiting or surprises, always been more of the planner. I like punctuality darn it!
I've been nauseaus a lot lately, which I was hoping was a forebringer of labor, could just be nerves too I guess.
Mom was here Tuesday and part of Wednesday helping us to get ready for the baby. And the blessed woman actually spent hours on Wednesday constructing a diaper stacker for me out of some old jeans that were on their way to Goodwill. Made me feel lazy watching her handsew it all, but unlike quilting it's not really something two people can sew on at the same time. I must say though, while it's not those cutesy ones they sell in stores (though unfortunately don't seem to sell around here) it is quite the awesome function piece of necessary layette equipment. I didn't require one for Lukas mostly because he was the only baby and because with the first child, things seem to stay where you have put them. With him running around like a toddler tornado, pulling stacks of diapers off the changing table, however, it became tantalizingly evident that I needed a handy place to have diapers accessible to me but not the little monkey. So now my fabulous home constructed diaper stacker is hanging above the changing table, now stocked with newborn diapers, some size 5 regular diapers and the awesome pullups. Let's take just a moment to worship the fabulous invention of pullup diapers please. THEY ARE THE MOST AMAZING FANTASTMIGORIC INVENTIONS EVER! Seriously. I have never known more joy than being able to change Lukas with those. And the best part? He hasn't figured out how to take them off yet. Muhahahahaha.
Today feels like a super duper attack house cleaning day. I have the a/c on, so I'm feeling worlds more energetic than I felt yesterday with the heat, and the house resembles a war zone. And oh yes, the war shall be on. I already discovered Lukas's secret disgustingly discarded bottle stash that I'd been trying to find for the last month. It's been quite alarming to see the bottle count dwindling with no obvious stashes, but this morning with the help of Lukas and the kitty Psyche, we discovered that there is a scary world of fermenting bottles under my bed. You would have thought I would have found them before, but this kid is crafty and had hidden them in cubbyholes under there that I always missed. So fear not, a lot of sanitation and scrubbing shall redeem them. Luckily only two of the bottles are stomach turningly disgusting. Those two may hit the trash if I can't rejuvenate them with some nipple changes and severe scouring.
What else, what else......uhm....the plan to have Lukas sleep in his own bed is actually going quite well. He adores having his own miniture place to sleep. The first night he slept a couple of hours before waking. Daddy sat on the floor beside the bed and rubbed his back to put him back to sleep. He slept a few more hours before Daddy had to resort to holding him in the living room for the remainder of the night. I was thankful that J didn't give in and just bring him to bed with us, thereby negating the whole process. Yesterday was nap day #1 with the new bed, and Lukas slept a glorious hour and a half in his own bed, waking after the first hour but allowing me to rub his back and fall back to sleep for a bit longer than another half hour. Last night's sleep in his bed went for a little longer than 3 hours before Daddy had to hold him in the living room again. Were Daddy not so tired himself, I think we could have gone about 6 hours in his own bed. I'm looking forward to nap time today, really hoping that he'll make it about two hours today. Another positive step is that instead of getting out of the bed and running to ours, Lukas actually just sits in his bed and cries until we come to him. It's quite amazing how well he is doing compared to our experiments with the crib. I have great hope and faith that in about a month, Lukas will be completely adjusted and sleep just as well in his "big boy bed" as he was in ours. Sure, there may be some rough nights, but overall I think he will adjust well to the change.
In part, the change was necessary just so that he'll get more sleep once Sage arrives. If he was still sleeping in our bed, he'd wake every few hours with his sister. That kind of stuttering sleep is hard enough on the parents that have to deal with it, much less expecting a toddler to adjust well to it. It was also necessary because I can't imagine trying to deal with both of the lil ones awake and crying at the same time....guess we'll just have to work on it.
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