The Void: Mind Wanderings of a Lost Soul — LiveJournal
emaleythe
I made two very smart choices tonight and I'm proud of myself, despite how easy it was to live with the decision after I made it. Decision #1: The kids were screaming for fast food and it didn't look like either J or I was up to cooking tonight. So the kids wanted Sonic. I looked up the nutritional menu for Sonic, balked at the 1000+ sodium counts and the 700+ calorie counts for just the sandwiches and I said that the kids could have it if J was agreed, but I wasn't touching the stuff. And so I didn't. And I made a big salad and I was fine. The world didn't stop turning! It's amazing, because I do love myself some fast and easy fast food. And yet, simply seeing what I was going to be putting in my body, I just couldn't reconcile that with how hard I've been working.

Decision #2 was made almost by accident. My legs had been soooooooo sore for the last two days after doing my 1.75 miles on Saturday. So I told myself, no matter what, I will walk tonight and so I did. While J went to get dinner, I worked out on the gazelle. I walked the first .2 mile, then I ran, and then I walked, and then I ran and before I knew it, I was at 1.75 again. I feel I maybe could have even made it to 2 tonight, but I stopped hoping I would avoid a bit of the muscle soreness. Maybe I'll go for that 2 tomorrow.

All in all, week one was great for me! I lost 2.4% of my body weight and barring actually being a biggest loser contestant, I am wowed by my progress. I learn more everyday about food and my abilities and I'm feeling more awake and capable than I have in a long time.

Now if I could just get rid of all these colds!

Feeling: calm calm

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emaleythe
today's number is 215.8. documentation for the start of week 2!

**

In other news, my legs are still super sore, but I will be exercising tonight anyway.
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emaleythe
I will not be dissuaded on my plan because of one bad day of weight loss! So last I had written, I woke up to another lb and a half weight loss, bringing me down to 213.6. That was the end of the dramatic dropping. That night (Valentine's night) my weight went high back to 217. The next morning, up to 218.4. Last night, we were at 216. Kind of discouraging, when the numbers had been so much lower. On the plus side, people are starting to tell me that they can tell I'm losing weight, and my core abdomen muscles are definitely starting to feel the change. I've maintained my mile and a half walk each day, and that part is getting easier as I was actually able to run most of a mile last night. Today however, I really need to kick my eating into gear and escalate my water consumption. I might have to go back to carrying around my steel water bottle again. If I force myself to drink more water, I feel that may help to escalate out the flushing of my body.

I continue to be a nazi over everything going into my mouth, particularly with the sodium and carbohydrate count. I can definitely tell how less salt is helping. But I still feel that I'm getting too much salt. It's such an eye opener to see how much sodium is in EVERYTHING. My first big shock was on taco night, when I discovered that a two taco shells, with 2 tablespoons of seasoned beef and hot sauce were better on all accounts than 1 plain flour tortilla. I never would have thought that. I know that reducing the salt and upping my fiber, vegetables, and fruit is definitely changing a lot for me. I don't feel like I'm starving or depriving myself of much of anything (other than my huge cravings for bread) and my energy seems much improved. Crazily enough, even my mood is elevated. I feel more capable, positive, and just a general feeling of contentment through most of the day. This is very encouraging for a lifelong chronic depressive.

As for the diabetic symptoms, my plan is working! The cramps in my feet and legs have ceased (except for one super short leg cramp on day 2) and the weird nerve pain from the sides of my foot have lessened markedly. It's like it has dulled. I tell you, it's such a blessing. I feel confident that if I keep up this lifestyle change, I will be able to accelerate my healing. I have also been working on daily affirmations, and prayers for healing. I want to be able to accept God's healing in my body. It's such a mental block for me. I do not know why it's so much harder for me to accept and believe that God can and has healed my body as I have when it comes to my heart and soul. I guess it's yet another chapter in my own personal "Doubting Thomas" book of my life. I hate that I question so much what I can perceive. I don't like that I have to "see" to believe. I have all the intention and prayer of a good child of God, but I have the faith of a pea. I want to believe, I have that motivation and craving, but I fail in keeping the faith. All I can do is continue to read His words and let him work on my mind and heart. And that, I shall continue to do.

***

And that's all I have time for at the moment. It's Saturday, cleaning day, and my house is a child-driven disaster. Time to motivate the troops and pick this place up!

***

Last minute side note, how sad is it that after all these years with the journal that I'm just now making tags for "exercise", "God", "change", and "faith"? Wow, says a lot about growing up and change.

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Feeling: discontent discontent

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emaleythe
Okay, so it's day three of "Get rid of weight and diabetes" plan and all is well. Did you hear me? All is well! I had some low moments yesterday and today where I found myself crazy sweets and bread sooooooooo badly that it was almost a breaking point. But I gave myself a half a slice of J's homemade artesan bread with dinner and today I slipped and ate a valentine's cookie (but hey, I read the labels on both the cookies and the mini cupcake and opted for the best choice AND I worked out tonight and worked off every last calorie of that damn cookie tonight). However, for the most part, I feel pretty good. For the last two days, I managed to will my way through a mile and a half on the gazelle and hope to at least get that far tomorrow. As for weight loss, I've lost 6 lbs in 3 days, which I find amazing. By the end of the week, I may be looking at some Biggest Loser sized weight loss, at which point I will praise God for his movement in my life. I am amazed at this time around and I'm so freaking proud of myself.

****

Today was such a yo-yo day at work. It started with a "argh" went to a multi-facated rent, then traveled into a forced response, moved into a desperate plea for help and ended with success and wonderment. This job of mine has the power to send me through just about every emotion and I LOVE it. I do hope to move on to bigger and better, but the job itself is so much more intriguing than what I've done for the last 12 years. It occupies my mind, keeps me busy, and though I complain about it, tends to be more fulfilling than I would ever admit publicly. And did I mention that I freaking love my coworkers? They inspire me, make me laugh, tempt me to rebel, encourage me to be a better worker, and provide enough emotional support that I can't imagine having any other dynamic. My boss lady confuses me but is much beloved. If only we could get rid of the fat man, we'd all be happy. I'm going to call the fat man "Mr. Big" from now on, simply because it makes me laugh. I swear that all I want is to make my company proud. How completely pathetic and geeky of me. But it's still true.

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Feeling: accomplished accomplished

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emaleythe
Day 2: Eating during the day went well! I had a preprocessed breakfast croissant (my one gimme for the day) and then packed the rest of my snacks and lunch for work. I actually brought too much food if you can believe it! I had grilled some chicken with Mrs. Dash and curry powder and cut it up for a simple salad with cherry tomatoes and one tablespoon of ranch dressing (I so need to exchange that for a nice oil and vinegar when I go shopping). For mid-morning snack, I ate two small bunches of grapes and a cheddar cheese stick (less fat yo!) and afternoon snack was a fiber and protein bar that had over 10 carbs of good sugars. I had brought an orange for lunch but didn't end up eating it. Dinner was a very simple tuna casserole with egg noodles and cream of mushroom (didn't add extra salt or butter, yay for me) and then green beans with cherry tomatoes. I substituted Stevia for sugar in our sweet tea. I feel pretty good about it all, as I'm being extremely conscious what I'm putting in my mouth. Reading waaaaaaaaay too many labels right now checking sodium content, but once I get some of the stuff I eat memorized, that part should go easier.

I walked my mile on the gazelle but didn't do any extra dancing today. Feel like I should do some yoga stretches, but I'll probably just try to get the kids all homeworked and washed up for bed before crashing myself. And to think that I only had two cups of coffee today and water after that. Here's hoping the rest of the week goes well too!

*****

In other news, I'm still neck deep in Felicity seasons. I started it two weekends ago when I was sick in bed both days and have now made it all the way to Season 3. I sure as hell wished I'd known how good this show was when it was on! Random fact, the character Julie is played by the same actress who played the Pink Power Ranger. Who'd have thunk it?

*****

Jason is sanding the wall at another attempt to make a kick ass theatre room. On the plus side, we actually have a kick ass projector to use in it this time. So that's all for now. This will be a hell of a makeover year if I can keep this up!

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Feeling: chipper chipper

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emaleythe
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emaleythe
Oh yeah! It's almost my bday. Yay! And the christmas. Its so on
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emaleythe

what a difference a week
makes.  i'm about halfway through the kids christmas shopping and really close to finishing the stuff i have to buy from work.  then it's just big lots and on to buying the stuff to wrap and bake.  i'm getting that christmas fever already too...soooo excited to see the kiddos christmas morn ...or eve. might start a new tradition this year if we get to go to christmas midnight mass.  i always liked it that santa visited my house while we were at church on christmas eve.  still undecided about going to the big extended family event on christmas day though.  oh well, off to work!

Posted via LiveJournal app for Android.

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emaleythe
I have purchased the elusive LaLaLoopsy...all is right in the world. Now just to figure out where another $300 or so is gonna come from to buy the rest of Christmas. I might have to suck it up and do one of those check into cash places for a payday loan because I'll have the money eventually, just not when I need it. Oh how I wish next week wasn't Black Friday, and how I wish I didn't work in retail so that I could avoid the whole mess of that day....but don't tell my bosses that.

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Feeling: tired tired

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emaleythe
Anyone know a good android ap for lj? I love using semagic on the pc for most updates but would love a great one for my phone. Found eljay and am going to give it a try...but not loving it.
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emaleythe
What a crazy but good day off I've had today. Wrote the newsletter for work, stayed up super late last night playing a video game, got a little sleep, but have gone all day long. The kids have been eccentric and all over the place, but they managed to sit nicely and play two board games with me before jumping and climbing on their daddy like he is a jungle gym. I got to play a sword-stabbed victim for them repeatedly, as they think it most fun to play the ol' stab ya in the armpit trick as you groan out your deathly complaints. Went Christmas shopping with mom so that she could wrap up the pressies for the kiddos in the family. She actually managed to spend quite a lot less this year than in years' past which is great! Gives me hope since I did the unthinkable this year and have put off all shopping. Thank god for a wishlist so that I can start ticking off some of these presents slowly. I'm jealous of my self from last year where I was all finished before Thanksgiving and only had to watch sales so that I could rack up price differences when they popped up. This year I get to frantically scramble with all the other folks fighting for the same darn Silly Hair Lalaloopsy doll because my daughter has deemed it one of her expected "must haves".

Sage is such a sweetly odd little girl. Unlike her brother who will flat out tell me that he wants "this one real bad, and this one kind of", Sage will just tell me a huge list and then claim she loves it all equally. Makes it very hard when shopping for her because I hate seeing a lil disappointed face when I miss getting the toy she wanted the most. So with Sagey, I have to be tricky and watch for her cues, because she always has a tell. For my girl, the tell is usually just being perceptive enough to listen to every conversation she has for months because inevitably she will start dropping in a repetitive sentence like "When I get my puppet, I'm gonna need you to help me make her" or "Santa IS going to get me my muppet and I'll be soooooo happy". When I hear her repeating this same toy with a definitive air in her words, I know that that's THE toy. That's the one that when she unwraps it she'll dissolve into a girly mess of giggles, smiles, and hugs....and when it's all said and done, that's the only present I really need to get. Last Christmas I started getting it right, when I was told repeatedly that she was going to have a unicorn pillow pet. Sure I got other presents too, but she didn't notice. As soon as she opened the pillow pet she hugged it, ran off to love it and ignored the rest of the big pile of toys waiting to be discovered under the Christmas wrap. It took hours to get her to finish unwrapping the rest of her presents. Same thing with her birthday this year, when THE toy was a walking puppy toy. I was told over and over again that while she wanting the world (seriously, the almost 3 yr old made an 89 item wishlist! born shopper *headsmack*), she couldn't wait to show off her walking puppy. So I made sure she got that walking puppy and got to see her just have a party of expressions when she opened it. That one she wouldn't even let me get out of the box before she ran away to love on it. lol! So this year, it's the Make your own Muppet Puppet from the Fao Schwartz line at Toys R Us and the Silly Hair LaLaLoopsy doll. Mom has the Muppet covered as of today and I've got my designs on that doll as of tomorrow. Let's hope my baby isn't disappointed, because if I can't get this darn hard to find doll, Momma will NOT be paying exhorbent prices on Ebay.

What's else on Christmas shopping plans? Upgrading a video card for Austin's computer so that he can play his Christmas present from my mom (Skyrim on the PC, sooooooooooo jealous), a few tactile toys for my nephew, Leapster Explorer games for both the little ones (because we're a Leapfrog family till death yo!), some assorted dress up stuff, play doh, a new family board game (thinking it might be the Guess Who game time), a first Lego set for Lukas (is it already that time *sigh*), and a bevy of special presents for the older family members. I'm most excited to give the Grandparent's their gifts! I had this brilliant idea inspired off the kid's school fundraiser to have them draw a special picture a piece with their own signature on them. We then scanned them in and have created some awesome CafePress things for the family. We have them mounted on magnets for the uncles and on tile coasters (that we will be putting a picture hanger on) for the grandparents. It's so sweet and captivates them at this age perfectly that I know a few grandparents that are going to be just a wee bit teary. *huge grin*

Well, being fussed at for "more water" by my super sleepy and starting to be whiney duo....so off to be mommy again.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: happy happy
Hearing: high pitched toddler ramblings

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emaleythe
Ah the joy of never worrying about LJ. It's always here no matter how far I stray. Though again I say that I desperately need to back this puppy up in case the system ever goes down. It would be a tragedy to ever loose all these accounts of my life.

Life is crazy since I last wrote....3 years later I have a very bossy sassy 3 yr old princess and a bright eccentric almost 5 yr old boy. Who would have thought I'd ever get here.....

Not much to say today, but I want to start talking more. I feel my writing has suffered the motherhood chopping block and I dearly miss it. The only writing/composing I ever do anymore is the biweekly paycheck attachment for work. Hah! That's not even good writing! It's insane.

To sum it all up, blame facebook and it's evil games for stealing me away. Short entries took over my good daily recordings in here.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: blah blah

4 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
sometimes i don't like internet based media....not the journalists mind you, but the fact that whatever you say it's broadcast everywhere and anywhere....there's no control. you have to be as careful about what you write on the internet as you would talking to the town gossip. it frustrates me. It makes it near to impossible to share without being overexposed.

I guess i'm just feeling that there's very few places where i feel i can be honest anymore. and lying is just too tiresome.

****

in other news, i feel something building inside...the little rusty word machine is churning a bit and dying to bleed out some inspiration....it's sad that there's so little time.
1 Song or Sing a Song
emaleythe
lukas pushed the highchair over to the island, where a large pan of fresh out of the oven brownies cooled. He popped up on the chair, surveying his treasure, "ooo brownies, yum yum." then evil momma hearing him, came and pulled him away with a laugh. she did give him a brownie though, because not even momma can resist his charm.
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emaleythe
So I finally got around to combining all of my music into one folder on the computer. I think I finally have it all consolidated and I redownloaded itunes for the 10th time. Now i'm converting all the files, putting them in itunes, and then i have to track down my old ipod software disk so that i can update my ipod for the first time in over two years rofl. The tricky part is that I'm going to have to either update the ipod manually (as if) or find out if itunes has a program where i can buy unlimited rights to the stuff I downloaded long ago when they had their whole "only for 5 machines" rule. Hopefully they have a program, because I really really don't want to manually update all the stuff not on the ipod and I really really don't want to lose music that I legitimately paid for. Makes sense right?

The whole point to all of this is that I'm tired of listening to the same 7 gb or so of music that I was into 2 years ago (and still am, but i've grown child). And this way I can finally go back to listening to stuff I like on the trips in the car rather than the drivel people put out on mainstream radio now. I was going to replace my old white blocky ipod this year but thought, hey if it still works, why replace it? sounds like a winner right?

It's going to take hours and hours to import everything back into itunes, but it's worth it damn it!

Now some other day when i'm feeling froggy, i'll have to combine all my other picture files and video files into one streamlined organizational system. I got a great start on it a year ago, but have accumulated so much in that tiny time that it needs it again. After that, I shall go to work cleaning the hell out of old file systems and programs that see exactly zero use and then I will truly claim my awesome computer of doom! Muhahahaha! Because that's what I do, I organize and conquer. And then the next yahoo that messes with my computer better live up to the system or I'll slowly and painfully eviscerate them with my nagging.

I feel the need to express myself more again. I'll make no promises and thus make no lies, but I'd like to start writing again. Even if no one ever reads what I write, I need to start documenting again. It's the outlet that I love most, because it's me talking to me:). That and I read some of my old work, journals and other writings and I miss that voice. I would say "voice of reason" but she's not always reasonable lol.

___

in other news, my younger brother david is in the hospital burn unit from a freak fire accident when he was burning some brush. i'm still in shock and full of worries about it, it just doesn't seem real. part of me wants to go see him just to shock the system, but i have nothing to offer to help him so i refuse to dignify that selfish part of me. besides the fact that he said he doesn't want anyone to see him. i worry that he'll be heavily scarred and that it will impede his life or that his child will never know his father as he was before. i worry that he'll lose his ability to play music, which is the only thing in life that i've ever seen give him peace and joy. and i worry that he'll become paralyzed with a fear of fire. i wish i could do something for him other than sending good thoughts and prayers, but for now, i'll leave it be.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: productive productive
Hearing: hearing viva pinata in the background

3 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
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emaleythe
Location
-thinking early september 2010, checked history of weather and seems like least rain and not as overheated.
-still want outside, but have thought a nice twilight, early evening time might be beautiful with just the -right lighting and dress (would have to pop)
-might be nice to have a faux gazebo of sorts, a diy sort of deal. if day, some kind of nice vine/flower/1920's kind of look. if early evening, same but with string of lights (can you find battery powered lights?)
-lighting for twilight would necessitate candles, solar polared aisles lights (really like those moonstone like ones that jason's parents have), something with glow....might be tricky but again would be so glittering and perfect
-seating??? stand for very short ceremony? rent chairs? unsure...

Theme
-no real surprise here, i want natural, beautiful, fairy enchanted movie like...the Susan kind of perfect fairytale princess wedding.
-very small and limited guest list. family of course, including extended (though who knows who actually will show), small list of friends (Susan: catherine & wolf & family, stephanie(sic), sonya, christian, chris s. & family, anngee?, kim (i really need to call her, i am such a bad friend)?), coworkers? (uhm...maybe? like the ones i like, not ones i tolerate, though as long as i'm getting presents does it matter ...rofl, i kid...but no really i don't lol....),and whoever is conducting the darn thing.
-flower girl MUST wearing fairy wings, and some sort of adorable almost elflike dress...can't stop thinking of the combo of purple and green...though if the wedding is early september, then the color needs to be richer rather than paler....
-might have to subject all wedding party members with something fanciful like wings, or beautiful flowered hair pieces, veil-like material down hair...something beautiful, feminine, and strong
-pagan like:religion light; not to be confused with the absence of religion. in fact, would like there to be the presence and mention of God...just my God, not necessarially there's....absolutely NO reading of that whole "love is patient, love is kind" passage, i simply can not take hearing that again.
-dress to be detailed below

Clothing
-jason? who knows, but it darned well better be handsome and comfortable...we'll have to work on it
-flowergirl listed above....
-women attendants should wear what they are most comfortable in, though we may have to go with a color...should make it a simple one that everyone is beautiful in...as noted earlier, there will have to be a unifying sparkle item to be decided upon later
-ring boy??? dunno yet
-the dress: I've thought about this one for a long time and have dresses in my head...take little bits from all of them and make one amazing dress...sleeves have to be long, slitted but connected at the wrist, elbow, and shoulder, would be nice to have flow with an elongated bell sleeve, can be made of lace, sheer, or silky...bodice could be one of many but it would be prettiest to fall from the bound shoulder, in loose buttery folds. has to be flattering, fitted bodice, leading to slimmer waist...full skirt that flows. no petticoats, but perhaps some layers....if evening wedding, the fabric has to be overlaid or inset with silvery threads and little gems or pearls to catch the light and sparkle like a star (would be so fucking beautiful)...color could be creamy, antiqued white or nice silvery one. thought about colored panels like in underskit but not sure....i don't know where this dress exists other than behind my eyes, but i will find a way to have it.

Wedding Party
Matron of honor: asked Catherine long ago and still hopes she will be by my side.
Other Attendant: Sonya, if she'll have me and can be there;
Man of Honor:? but Austin needs to be in the ceremony somewhere, so here or as a second attendant
Ringbearer: Lukas, has to be....god help us if he throws the ceremony *grin*
Flowergirl: Sage, the very pixie herself....hope she has hair by then
Ushers: hopefully no need of any

Flowers
-need to keep fall colors and summer: sunflower yellow,burgundy, dusty rose, plums, burnt oranges...
-i want gads of them! can be as simply as ferns to roses
-thinking perhaps a simple bouquet of long stemmed blackeyed susans or sunflowers with astors and babies breath....if night need something bright or silvery to go with theme

Food
-is it tacky to go pot luck with some catered?
-definitely need drinks for my family lol
-could bypass a full meal and go with cake and drinks? some finger food? (but don't you hate those weddings when you go all day and the cheapos won't feed you? at least this one would be a relaxed and quick ceremony wedding)
-cake: been watching too much ace of cakes or not enough because i want tiers, flowers, and how awesome would those nice jeweled ornaments of those metal hangers be? the topper has to be my mother's topper...it's family history

Music
-old ella fitzgerald jazz, classical, rock, interesting mix courtesy of perhaps maybe only an ipod lol
-though wouldn't it be nice to have just a record player playing some old instrumental jazz for the official dance?

Photos
-hired out baby! plus as many as my friends and family could possibly take....though i need a professional to capture those fantasticly framed candids

Reception
-honestly I love the idea of a reception under a lighted tent in the field, but parking would be unavailable...so who knows?
-music, food, fun

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Sing a Song
emaleythe
Send your own ElfYourself eCards
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emaleythe
tomorrow my baby boy turns 2, what an amazing ride so far.

today my baby boy picked up a newspaper with the president elect's picture on it and said clear as day "Obama". i'm not sure what to think about that, but it's very fascinating.

i have been mum too long. i shall be posting again (with hope) tomorrow.

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emaleythe
*kicks Warner Brothers ass to the moon and back again for pushing back the Harry Potter movie to summer 2009!*

Those bastards.

Stationed at: home
Feeling: pissed off pissed off

2 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
apparently my children are awesome, either that or i'm a strange mother. Proof is in the pudding, you say. Well take this as an example of what i mean. Sage's current favorite lullaby? Mama singing Pink Floyd's "Wish you were here"

*nods* enough said

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: sleepy sleepy

3 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
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emaleythe
Because I need reminding sometimes and it's good to remember why I began loving him in the first place, I'm making a list of things I love about Jason. I know that he's been logging into my journal, so I hope that he'll read this and know that I love him. These things are never far from my mind, but have a terrible time passing my lips. There's no one to fault in that but my own inability to open up.

*when he's in a good mood, nothing makes me feel safer and better than his geniune smile
*he has all these random facts in his head that he spits out sometimes, and the way he says them always makes me laugh (like Jesus maybe wanting to *create Christianity because he didn't want to pay for his holy baths or can I ever forget "feral cows" hahaha, god I still love that one)
*he's extremely smart in all things mechanical, just has this inate ability to understand and fix things
*despite his complaints about his body, I always felt that we fit together and I love throwing my arms around him
*his hugs are perfect in that movie way
*when he choses to put in the effort, his romantic ideas are not only endearing but make me feel really special
*we started out with daily lovenotes about nothing (and besides the very few random emails over the years, I really miss those notes with all of my heart)
*he holds my hand in the car and it comforts me (even though i must annoy him by always switching so that my hand ends up on top....and i wish that he would psychically sense that I want to hold hands more often but am afraid to touch him most of the time)
*he says cute little words in his own way (some favs: amnish, waspers)
*despite his complaints, i know that he would do almost anything to help a friend
*he needs people, he absolutely needs people
*though i was always interested, he brought out my adventurous side in the one place I always felt Catholically restricted *coughthebedroomcough*
*when he is able to get past his own troubles, he can be the most loving and fun father for the children
*he dances in the cutest way and i'll always want to see dancing baby :)
*he has tried, in several ways, to love me when I'm far from my best and has tried to save our relationship many times. When i've been cold, bitchy, not wanted to be touched, he has stayed, kept trying, and not ran off with some hoochie. when i've insisted that he seek help for various troubles, he actually has and that's something that i know he never did for any other woman. And when i've been unfair or cruel, he has kept it to himself many times and not lashed out with terrible words that would slay me. For all of these things, I am grateful.



Things that have been bothering me lately, and I'm afraid to say to him:

*you are loved, massively loved, but you are having a hard time seeing past the void right now. if you can be patient with me, and let me ease back past your wall, you'd find that we could connect again in all the ways that you have been missing
*when we are having a good day, please don't push so hard for intimacy that I turn off. you have to understand that at this point, intimacy has been far and few between in the last couple of years and I actually do need an easing into period. Please just go slower, actually make some sort of attempt to warm me up to the idea. yes this will take much more attention and foreplay than you may have had to do in the past, but I can't make it go faster. When we are at such odds, and things are so stressful, my body just won't cooperate without much much warmup. I'm not trying to be a cold prude, it's just the honest to god truth. I want intimacy and am trying to push myself further into it every day. So please don't slap me down when I am just trying to make it better so that I feel more into it.
*when you insult our children by not being patient with their age and idiosynchroncies, you insult me. they are my heart and soul, and I can't stand hearing those things without hurting for them.
*I don't want to change who you are, I just want to change where you are. I know you will never be the dancing happy monkey, but is it too much to hope for that you'll be happier or more able to deal with daily life?
*though you insist that i don't, i fully support you in all the things you want to accomplish. fact is, I know you can do all of them. I just want you to have the faith and the action to know that you can and are.
*when you say that you have "discovered" that you are attracted to fat girls, it makes me feel fat. And hearing that makes me wonder if that's the only reason you are with me and whether you'll leave if I ever get my shit together and lose the weight. That's paranoid, I know....but that's how I feel.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: awake awake

Sing a Song
emaleythe
VoicePost
512K 2:38
(no transcription available)
Sing a Song
emaleythe
my mother came to visit today, with my new nephew and his mother (yay for meeting new people in the world). She called on the way over, planning on bring lunch from Wendy's and wondered if she should bring a salad since I'm on a diet. Something about that word just makes my skin crawl, so it sent me into a bit of venting. "It's not a diet!" I tell my mother, "It's a life change and a better way of eating." To further make my point, I turned down the salad and opted for a baked potato and a Jr Cheeseburger with lots of veggies. It still made for a formidable calorie crunch but a much more manageable one than I would have picked in the past. And I'm proud to say that my logging of food has gone well today, my choices for drinks, snacks, and breakfast have gone well and I am currently well under my goal for the day.

In addition, I made a conscious effort to play extra hard this morning with the toddler, opting to run around the house (actually running) throwing and chasing the ball, which made me feel closer to that exercising goal I've promised to start working on. All this in hopes that if I keep it up this week that I'll receive a reward in some actual weight loss this week. *fingers still crossed*

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: tired tired

1 Song or Sing a Song
emaleythe
I have been terrible at logging my food all week and today I forced myself.  It makes me sad to see that my one day's indiscretion of eating a quick meal at work from fast food blew my entire day's calorie counts.  And what's sad is that I find myself hungry already as well as knowing that I did so well for the past week on my food choices.  This was the first day in several weeks that I ate out at work instead of bringing my own carefully chosen food choices.  So color me sad, because that's what I am.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: disappointed disappointed

Sing a Song
emaleythe
Man I tell you that I've had a least a million entries in my head for the past week, all of them half composed either in here, on scraps of paper, or even just rumbling around in my head. Unfortunately, like most of everything else that I would like to accomplish, it all sat untouched while I ran around with the kids, sleep, and work. Hopefully, these few moments I'm grabbing while the toddler sits and the infant lays satiated, will be enough to partially get some of the thoughts that I've been going through.

__

Lukas has been working on his vocabulary lately and we've had some fun with that. He's getting his parts of the body committed to mind with some humorous results. We've only worked on the basics but he really loves his belly, feet, and eyes. Eyes so much that he occasionally becomes overzealous in pointing them out and attempts to gouge out his own and others' eyes. He has also discovered the word "hat" and says it very Lukaslike with drawn out vowel and well emphasized hard "T" sound at the end. He says the "t" with an almost theatrical pause and crisp clear "tah" sound. It's quite cute. In Teletubby land (which I swear that one day you shall read an entire entry on the land of tubby show), Lukas has begun to sing his own version of the themesong. He almost always sings one character ahead, playing a bit of a preemptive back and forth song with me. So I sing "Tinky-winky!" answered with "deetee" (spelled phonetically). I will continue to sing and am answered. Sounds a bit like the following:

Lukas in italics
"Tinky-winky!"
"Deetee"
"Dipsy!"
Da-da
"La-la"
"Boe"
"Po"

He does name Tinky-winky at other times though by the name "Teetee". I think the renaming of Po as Bo amuses me the most.

____

In other words, I finally had my performance evaluation at work and was given a tiny $0.21 raise. Yay me, I suppose.

___

and weight stuff...*sigh* that's an entry for later.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: busy busy
Hearing: viva la vida-coldplay

Sing a Song
emaleythe
VoicePost
922K 4:42
(no transcription available)
Sing a Song
emaleythe
Success! I've found a nice calorie counting free food journal online that I'm test driving. It is very user friendly and customizable which makes tracking my food pretty simple. Already I've learned that I'm consuming far too little protein (which I knew) and far too many carbs (also knew). In case anyone else is interested in checking it out, it's My Calorie Counter.com.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: cheerful cheerful

Sing a Song
emaleythe
so in this great effort to reach some dietary and weight goals for myself. I have been doing some research (when I have the time *snorts with laughter* time? what's that?) and have found a lot of useful information. So far I've calculated where I want my goal weight to be and calculated my current numbers on bmi (which though scary, is better than it used to be). Working from several different sources I was able to make an educated guestimation of the calories I need to maintain my weight at what I consider a pretty sedentary lifestyle and the figure of what I should take in in order to lose weight. While doing all that in the last week or two, I've begun to consider the foods that I have been eating and tried to make healthier choices when preparing the home meals. With that said, I've strayed far over the path from healthy by still consuming entirely too much sweets, colas, and fried foods out of convenience. So today I started trying to look up information on food diaries and calorie counts. This presents a problem. There seems to be so many different sources out there and I'm not sure where to turn. I think my best choice would be finding a way to journal on paper for when I'm away from home (visiting, work, etc) and then also having an online diary. My hope is that I can find a free online food diary that can help with tracking or inputing the calorie counts. I'm not sure one exists, but surely there is one.

I hate to input any of my number crunching until I can truly start my diet change and tracking, but in order to preserve the progress so far, I am putting them here. As my best friend has said in her own body change journey, sometimes the best way to make yourself accountable is to post the journey for all to see, failures and successes combined.

Yesterday I went shopping with my parents for shorts because I've gained so much weight over the last 7 years that I couldn't fit into any of the few pairs of shorts that I own. I found out that while I fit in an XL shirt it shows a bit too many rolls for my taste, and I was able to wear size 18 shorts but again too tight for maximum comfort. Therefore I'm putting my beginning clothing sizes for this journey at XXL and size 20W. Makes me sad, but it's an improvement to the 22-24's and 2XL's that I have been wearing. I still need to borrow a clothing tape measure in order to do body measurements, but at least I have a little something to go by.

Therefore, my to do list for the start of this journey includes:
1. tape measure for current body measurements
2. Pictures of full body to compare to
3. Site of information for accurate calorie counting
4. Find online food journal (necessity that this be free) or at least a good site on making my own
5. Implements with which to accurately measure food
6. Set small and long term goals and rewards in writing in order to motivate

That's all of them that I can think of at the moment, but may have to add to that list as time goes by.

the number crunch and notes for selfCollapse )

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: determined determined

2 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
got a picture of Sage smiling today, and boy was it a huge grin :)

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: bored bored

3 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
ok, pictures of the hair....as a wise friend has just said "at least gray hairs don't show up in pictures". I say, give me an amen! Please excuse the exhausted face about to pop onto your screens behind this cut. And for those who know Ema in SL, I swear to god I did not bring a picture of Ema to the salon, the hairdresser just magically tuned in to the universe and gave me her same haircut...it's eery.

emo hair for an aging mommyCollapse )

and in other lame news, I still can't get that darn dream from last night out of my head. Now I keep remembering that yesterday at work he was all fake intensely cheerful all day with me and at one point I was talking to a kid customer (like 3 or 4 years old) and I said "how are you doing big guy?" which I say to all the lil kids to make them feel big and important. He was walking by and turned around and said, "I'm doing great, how are you?" and then when I just said, "oh i'm great", playing along, he felt he had to explain the joke to me (as if I didn't get it)....dork. Am I obsessing? oh yeah, totally. It's just disturbing knowing I have to have a performance review with him on Friday and I'll just keep seeing this damn dream. aaaaaaaaaaargh!

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: awake awake

2 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
so i got my hair cut today. originally I went in thinking that I wanted a good ol' assymetical short shaggy emo cut. So I got one, but I can't figure out if I look hip or if I just look like a middle aged mom with a short shaggy haircut. Either way, yay for having choices on hairstyling again as I simply never do anything with long hair other than pull it back in a clip or wind it up and put it back in a clip. I'll take pictures in the next couple of days and post them for posterity. It's the least I can do lol.

Headache from hell right now, figures that comes from not having very much caffeine today. Though I'm working on that now lol.

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Stationed at: home

4 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
Talk about scary dream! I dreamed that I was having a hot and heavy makeout session and affair with my boss. And we're not talking about the cute lil assistant manager (who's just a baby compared to my aging self). No no, we're talking about the grumpy sarcastic boss. Very scary. Even in the dream I was thinking "what the hell am I doing?" Don't like that kind of dream.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: sleepy sleepy

1 Song or Sing a Song
emaleythe
VoicePost
1010K 5:09
(no transcription available)
2 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
Happy birthday to my dear findinglifenow. Here's hoping all you wish and want comes to you in excess this year.

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Stationed at: home

Sing a Song
emaleythe
omg, there's a sequel to Charlie! Field trip, yay!!!!! Omg! there's more than one! woohooo! Charlie lives!

"there's no stopping the vortex!" hahahaha, i should tell that one to Casey :)

"puuuuuuuuut a banana in your eaaaaaaaaaaaaar"

for those who have yet to be blessed by the lurve that is Charlie, I have posted the original one that I saw below

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: amused amused

3 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
holy crap, just finished watching the season finale of Lost (seeing as I worked last night and couldn't watch it when it aired).....and oh my holy goodness, it was a jawdropper in ways. it had me cringing, praying, thanking god, and saying "I KNEW IT!" ....way to bring me back to the feeling I had when I first watched the pilot many moons ago. I'm just...yeah ....wow....mom better hurry up and see it before I have to call her and spill the proverbial beans....wow....but mostly, I so fucking knew it!

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: happy happy

2 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
finally got to see a picture of my new nephew and he looks so much like his mother :). after seeing my two little ones looking so similar, it's odd to see a baby from my family that doesn't look like my lil babies. His mother, Shannon, is doing much better now and hopefully both will be out of the hospital soon. I think that devvie's prayer request helped as well as everyone else that carried good thoughts and prayers to her. Want to see the chubby lil booger? Here he is, in all his cutey patootie glory.



Hope to get to see him in person soon :).

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: happy happy

4 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
VoicePost
87K 0:25
“I mean seriously is there going to be some crazy cart storage in this millennium that I don't know about cos this is insane. I just is there going to be like a mad rush and people gonna desperately need carts that say Toys R Us on em. I'm just, I'm gonna have to ask somebody when I go into work what the hell is up with this and Oh post the update later if I ever get a good answer.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post
Sing a Song
emaleythe
VoicePost
395K 2:00
“This is going to be my list of things you ask yourself as you're smoking a cigarette and waiting to go into work. Question no. 1 why would either of us have like 150 to 200 carts just lined up on the outside of the building said they never move cos there's never more than maybe 50 in the store, even at closing time when everything was filled up and where it was supposed to be, so why would we have a 150 to 200 extra carts just sitting around outside just just lined up like their being punished or something, it's very odd, I just don't know. It's just very, very odd and why on the building itself would they have white walls with the brown trim at the top that maybe every 50ft or so they just drop a little line down the wall, it looks really weird like they trying to make it look fake partitioned or something, it's just very strange. One day I shall have to bring a camera and take a picture of this unusual side of this wall with the carts that are lonely and being punished and strange minds just put it on the wall for no good reason. I just find it very odd add that to the sad lonesome cart that's in the middle of parking lot or nobody ever parks because it's the waste land of parking and the half broken down leaning is skew picnic table that I've only ever seen one person sitting at because it's in God's country at the end of the building. I just it's just like a very sad and pathetic little fight and that's all I had to say just leaving the thoughts going through my head.”

Auto-Transcribed Voice Post
Sing a Song
emaleythe
still haven't seen a picture of my new lil nephew. He's been taken off the respirator, but is still on an iv to bring his blood sugar up. apparently, no one has been allowed to hold him yet, but we think they will be allowed to tonight. His mother is in critical condition still, and visitors are being barred. Word from my mother is that she lost a lot of blood during the operation and that she had to receive a transfusion. She's being fed intravenously and they are still working to get her blood platelets and blood pressure up. *sigh* It was a very hard pregnancy for her body and the birth isn't going any easier. I'm still sending out good thoughts and energy for her. Here's hoping that each day she'll continue to improve and that she gets to meet her lil boy soon.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: exhausted exhausted

3 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
I'm an aunt!! My younger brother's girlfriend gave birth to my nephew, Anthony Orion, by c-section tonight. Haven't seen pictures yet, but woohoo! I'm an aunt! My children finally have a cousin! woohooo! Haven't heard yet if his mother is doing okay, we've been a bit concerned as he's 3 and a half weeks early and it was an emergency csection due to an escalating blood pressure problem during the pregnancy. Keeping my thoughts on her well-being and hoping for the best for their new family together.

and I'm an aunt :). I'm so going to be the cool aunt *grin*

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: happy happy

5 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
ok, seriously, the calorie counts on some of the drinks listed made me want to vomit. thank god I don't drink any of them, but it really makes me want to watch what I'm drinking. Worst drinks in the world for people

the complete list is here: All of the dirty stuff

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: nauseated nauseated

1 Song or Sing a Song
emaleythe
Ok, I'm sure this post will be far too much information for most people, but I just have to say that bowel movements postpartum are of the devil's work. I swear to god I think I busted some stitches on this last one today. Will the constipation ever end I ask the heavens? All this and I'm taking milk of magnesia, for all the freaking good that it does. And getting more hemorrhoids on top of the hemorrhoids I got pushing the baby out? So not cool universe. Give my lower parts a rest please.

Other than that, please universe give my lil boy as much perspective on this new baby thing as a 17 month old can possibly comprehend. His tantrums and regression behavior is about to wipe me out. I'm not even able to bond to this little girl the way I want and need to because I'm too busy trying to soothe his raw emotions. Momma needs a severe rest and vacation.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: stressed stressed

5 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
Inspired by my dearest friend Danu, I am making a commitment to lose weight this year, and the following year, and so on until I feel I have reached a healthy and nonmedically termed obese person. My goal for this year will be simple, I only wish to drop the remaining baby weight pounds to reach a weight that is less than 200 lbs. I have yet to see what I weigh following the birth of the baby, mostly because I'm scared of the number and because I feel so puffy and bloated still. I know that I need to do that as well as start the trials of researching the best path on diet changes, exercise, and just what exactly this magic number in weightloss and calories should be. Danu has done so much positive research with her own life change, that I'm encouraged to do some myself. But the thing that encourages me the most is her success thus far. I've often felt that the only thing that holds me in this obese pattern is my own lazyness, choosing the easy road or the tastier road, I tell myself. But I remember just a few years back how much better I felt and how quickly I could make some small dietary changes that made major impact on how I felt. Prior to pregnancy with Lukas, I managed to drop 25 lbs in three months by only switching to diet soda (instead of my one 16 oz Dr. Pepper a day) and hyping up with exercise through working. Years before that, while living in Asheville NC, I maintained my weight at around 200 lbs, lowered my cholesterol, and gained a lot of muscle just by eating a 60% vegetarian diet and walking everywhere. I used to feel better about myself. I'd like to be in that place again.

This morning I put on my clothes to get ready to go to the Health Dept to get Lukas another set of shots. When I went to the bathroom I had to stare at myself for a few minutes because I didn't recognize the body silhouette that was mirrored at me. I looked so skinny! After months of feeling and looking like a beached whale, it was just so odd to not see a belly pouched out. It was so lovely to me. I turned to the side, flattening my shirt, then letting it loose itself back naturally on my body. I stood up straighter, then hunched down. And yes, I admit, for a split second I even sucked in my gut. My body after birth is still of course in the resettling of organs phase, so I know this isn't the same silhouette I'll see in a month, but for now it was a beautiful thing. Granted I still make faces when I see myself naked, but for now, in clothes, I feel pretty. And that's nothing to snicker at. Anyway, my point of all this, is that I'd love for the shape I saw this morning and the accompanying emotions that went with it to continue. I want to be able to see this shape every morning, a week from now, a month from now, a year from now. I want to feel pretty, sexy, maybe a bit lascivious *grin*. Mostly, I just want to look in the mirror every day and love what I'm seeing as much as I loved myself this morning. I know it's possible, nay I know it will happen.

So today I hope to start that research, plan out in detail some goals (and rewards because who doesn't like being rewarded? and it's working so well for Danu), start looking at the best way for me to journal my food and exercise, and find some sort of source for healthy whole family recipes to work from. And maybe, just maybe, I'll step a foot on that scale.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: determined determined

4 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
one hour of sleep broken by terrible nightmares of creepy stalker neighbors and the shadow people coming to steal my lil boy. it left me shaking and afraid to go back to sleep. I hate waking up terrified that my children are gone.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: scared scared

2 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
gah i'm exhausted! ok, so baby girl doesn't like to sleep well at night and that sucks. She's a famously good eater at this point, sucking down more formula and breastmilk than one would think humanly possible for a baby with a stomach the size of her tiny little fist. But as for sleep? Not so good.

Today is the first day without my mother here and so far it's been interesting. I started a load of baby laundry because somehow we've already gone through every receiving blanket that I had left (note to self: pick up some more receiving blankets stat) and two changes of sheets as well as multiple baby outfits. Newborn diapers are terribly ill fitting on this little baby and unless I hike them up in the back, the mysterious pee circles appear. Makes me feel very terrible to pick her up every three hours to find yet another wet outfit.

As for me? Not as much back pain, thigh pain, or cramps, though they do still come and go depending on my activity level. Breast pumping is going slower than with lil mister. I'm amazingly producing even less than I did with him. This morning I was able to pump out an ounce and a half, but I'm only getting about a half ounce every other time during the day. It's discouraging and it feels like knives are sticking in my boobs. Como se "ouch"? My stitches from the tear are still very ouchy prompting me to believe that an epsom salt bath today is in order. We shall see....

As for today, I would like to start taking some cute pictures of lil girl, though I'm not sure she's ready for it or even up to the task. I may need to wait another week or so before taking the newborn pictures of lurve that I want. I may just play around with it and take some of the simpler ones. Otherwise on today's agenda: 1)more laundry to be done 2)eating at some point 3)calling about child care assistance 4) calling the medical card people 5)giving Sage a spongebath 6)taking a nap (with hope) 7)perhaps shaving my legs so that I stop looking like a wooly worm 8)figuring out how to deal tonight since it looks like J is taking a nightshift starting tonight. *sigh* or maybe throw most of that to the wind and just rest like a sloth.

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: groggy groggy

3 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
I'm home I'm home! Thank god. okay so the auto transcription on voiceposts works like ass apparently lol. My baby girl's name is Sage Danielle not the fucked up name that auto came up with. She is awesome, no jaundice, loads more hair than lil Lukas had and is healthy healthy healthy. We both doing well though I am having really rough cramping, back pain, and a recurrent sharp shooting pain down the front of my right leg. Yay for pain meds!

Longer post later when I'm fed and medicated, but for now take these first pictures as a good post.
Pictures of lil SageCollapse )

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Stationed at: home
Feeling: cheerful cheerful

6 Serenades or Sing a Song
emaleythe
VoicePost
514K 2:40
“so, it's me again. I hear that the automatic transcription on my voicepost is a little funky and that it's spelling things a little strangely. So ignore that. For the record, her name is Sage (which is S A G E) Danielle (spelled the normal way D a n i e l l e). And we are calling her Sage. Right now she's sitting semisleepy in my arms. I'm about ready to send her back to the nursery when she falls back to sleep, for her first time today except when they did tests. Then I'm going to take a nice long luxourious shower and finally get to turn on the a/c in here because it's burning up where they have to keep it so warm for the baby and I'm going to rest for the rest of the night hopefully. Take some pain medication and go to sleep. I'm feeling pretty good, I can finally walk now. And I don't feel anywhere near the same kind of pain and stiffness that I felt after giving birth to Lukas. I think the forceps and the vaccumm that they had to use to get him out must have done more damage to me last time than the actual giving birth did, so...Hi big girl, staring at me because I'm talking. Hi baby. She really hates eating so far but since it's her first day I'm sure she'll get over it. She keeps rejecting the bottle. I think she'd be the great breast sucker of the century but I can't. Unfortunately I'm still experiencing low milk production problems. I am trying to pump to get the colostrum started but it's not come out more than three drops after two half hour long sessions of breast pumping. We're still going to try and when my milk comes in, hopefully there will be a little more. So that is it...we're doing well and hope everybody else out there is doing well too. Bye bye!”

Transcribed by: emaleythe
Sing a Song