looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

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Still mumbling in there somewhere....

I can't sleep. Not a new problem, but getting worse lately. I've had a hard time sleeping at night in an empty house since being abducted two years ago. It's just an eery feeling. I get caught up in that whole, "what if someone breaks in" thing. But lately, I just can't stop thinking and checking all the locks. Every thought that I push away during daylight is still mumbling in there somewhere.

I hate insomnia. I used to only sleep every other night, or every third night when I was younger. My mother used to tell me to tell myself a story and I would fall asleep. Unlucky for me, my imagination was always too vivid, and the story I'd tell myself would never seem to end. Wide awake for the next two days.

Perhaps the problem now is just my fear of the unknown. I got a call last week from the DA who told me that my abductor, raper, assaulter, is thinking of finally considering taking a plea. The plea has been on the table for two years. I hate the plea, but have no real choice. Choice is something I've had little of concerning this whole ordeal. However, now? Now I think that it would be ok if that bastard served only 10 years. I've lost any hope in the justice system that I'd ever had. Two and a half years is a long time to wait for closure. And the wounds are still seething. But 10 years? God, it just seems like a slap in the face for the shit he put me through.

I'll never be able to tell anyone about that night. Never be able to explain what those 13 hours of captivity were like, or the following 8 hours in the hospital, or any of the things I went through after that. I can't explain what it was like to finally sleep after being awake for 48 hours; what peace can come when you know that you are finally safe. Can't explain how it felt to know that not one person realized I was in danger or even missing until I fought my way back. Perhaps that explains my paranoia now that no one really likes me. That's a fear that I've always had, but was reinforced by that night.

I guess I have a lot of hangups. I just want to sleep in peace, just for one night. Without the dreams, without seeing his face. :( God I'm so tired.

The hardest part is having no one left to depend on.
Tags: about me, night musing, rape, stuff to avoid

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