first of all, still no monthly has arrived, but I've almost given up hope for pregnancy to be the reason. I am afraid to go to the doctor because I'm not sure what the answer will be. It's silly and ridiculous to be frightened of the truth at my age, but I am despite it. I guess one can only wish, hope, and pray for something so long before it sours you. I won't deny that I've been mighty depressed over the truth that has been flying at me lately, but I have done my best to fake "happiness" and "normalcy" well for the people around me. It's not so much that I'm realizing that everything sucks, which has been my nemesis in the past, but rather that despite the wild, weird, and wonderful life I've had, I'm finding that I'm content. Brah?! And this depresses you? Yes, it does actually. For I'm wondering why I'm content. I do not have an advanced degree, nor marriage, nor children, nor a good job or house. All the things that I wanted are absent from my life. I don't get to travel, I'm not practicing spiritually or socially, and I'm not following my art. So what the hell am I content for? Ladies and gentleman, I am facing the truth that I've given up, stagnated, threw my dreams away and settled. And for this, I am depressed. So you may ask yourself, so, Susan/Ema, why are you not wallowing in your self pity then? I'm not because there are things that I do have right now that bring me enough out of my depression to keep trying. I have a relationship that makes me happy and crazy, but more happy right now. I have several wonderfully beautiful enchanted friends that fill me with such fulfullment and hope. I have a job, which despite it's uncertainty and constant abuse is better than no job. I still have a wonderfully close crazy family. I have my cats, whose fuzzy love brings smiles and warms away coldness of the soul. And I have proof that others feel the same way, reading everyone else's journals day after day.
I know that there are chunks of me missing that I would love to have back. And I'm beginning to think that they have just been hiding away for the last couple years, waiting for me to be ready to pick them up again. But I have to ask myself, do I want them back? Some of them I know I miss and want, but others? I have found that in the process of reinventing yourself following major life changes, trauma, etc, you go through this long mourning period for the parts of yourself that have been damaged, mangled, or killed. You want to be who you were before. Serious trauma can make you a zombie for years, wandering around just a physical shell of the person you had been. And yes, I have been thinking about the abduction again lately. Mostly been centering on my years of reconstruction of self afterwards and the trial. I can say that I know who I was, and I know who I now am. I know that I fought to come back to the land of the living, and have established myself back into the scheme of things again. But I've lost some of the most important things to me. I want them back. I don't want back the things that put me in that place to begin with, and I don't want back the parts I never liked. I will own them as my past, but they will not own my future. I keep feeling like, "this is it, now's the time to make or break you, now's the time to change yourself".....but I never do....I need a metaphorical kick in the ass.
So I guess it's time to make a list again......
1. Begin recycling again.
-Call City to find out about in city recycling (provided bins, etc?) or if there is a common recycling center
-Begin the sort, and train household members on how we are going to do this
2. Rearrange bedroom to bring back my peaceful center and altar
-steal all of boyfriend's old clothes and take to goodwill
-rearrange all furniture to make more cosmic sense
- take all altar figures out of trunk
3. Begin learning
-study all the new potion books
-learn more about natural healing collection
-start making own brews and medicines
4. Quit smoking
-ask doctor about tips
-look for herbal cleanouts
-find something to occupy self with other than cancer sticks
5. Rededicate self to spiritual study
-become more involved with local pagans
-start celebrating with the cycles and earth
6. Exercise the body
-begin yoga study again, slowly with 3-4 times a week, up to daily
-look into local yoga classes again
-drag out the total gym
-begin daily, semi-daily walks around neighborhood
7. Turn off that machine and live!
-actually breath relief to be on the computer/tv
-discover hands-on art rather than only digital
-live, and stop planning it all out, you insane person. Life is not lists!