Last night I was so depressed. Today, that depression has moved into anger. I want to cancel Christmas at this point. I may have mentioned already that my birthday is Dec. 23rd, and that this year, no matter what, I was letting it be known that on that day we will not be doing anything other than celebrating my birthday. We will not be going to Christmas parties, not buying presents, not picking up the child for Christmas. NOTHING, except celebrate my birth. For too many years now, my birthday has been that day in the year where people do lots of things but always pass over me. It's like I don't even have a birthday. I never got to have birthday parties because everyone was always with their families, I never got to go out and have a good time because there was always something to do. Presents? Hahahahah...imagine spending your whole life getting those lovely "This is your birthday/Christmas present". My parents tried to be good about my birthday, making it special, but even they later on began having family over for the holiday on my birthday, and then in the middle of it, everyone would take a break to eat my damn birthday cake without ever acknowledging me. It's been very lonely and shitty. There have been only 2 birthdays for the last ten years of my adult life that someone tried to make my birthday special; one was 7 years ago on my 21st birthday where my parents took me out for my first legal drink, and the 22nd birthday where instead of traveling home from college I stayed at my apartment with my roommates and we got blasted drunk. For the past 5 years, I've had nothing. No parties, no celebration, just a lot of traveling, and no presents. My parents took me out to lunch last year, but then I had to go right back to work. So I made the mandate this year.....and what happened? Well I'll tell you....
my boyfriend comes in last night and tells me that his stupid fucking restaurant has scheduled him to work Christmas Eve until 4 o'clock. I felt my blood run hot. He then proceeds to tell me that since he only gets his son on Christmas Eve, that we are going to have to go pick him up the night before. "But that's my birthday!" I say. He just looks at me funny. So I lay into him. We were scheduled to pick up his son Christmas Eve, go to my mother's house to celebrate Christmas (we have ALWAYS celebrated on Christmas Eve), then drive for an hour to his parent's house and celebrate Christmas, then drive back to his son's house and drop him off. Now it's all to hell. How the hell are we supposed to do 3 1/2 hours of driving and celebrate two family Christmases in 6 hours? How? He seems to think he can...I told him that he's such a fucking idiot, that if he did what I asked him to do two weeks ago and ask off for the evening of my birthday and Christmas Eve that we wouldn't be having this problem. I further told him that we ARE celebrating my birthday, and only my birthday, and that he'd better see if his mother can pick up Austin and that if he values his life, he'd better find someway to get out of working on Christmas Eve. Otherwise, I am going to my parent's house alone and not to his parents, and that I will see my family because I rarely see them, and I haven't got to see my older brother since June. I feel like I on a freaking Christmas rampage. It's quite disturbing....but damn it! This ALWAYS happens and he ALWAYS fucks everything up and I'm so damned tired of it.
I'm completely stressed out in my life right now with uncertain work, upcoming government inspections, too many damn people pulling on me for projects and time, and no fucking peace no matter where I go....I can't fucking take it. All I want for Christmas is so peace and family time, where I can relax, take some deep breaths and actually enjoy myself with my loved ones. I don't know why this is too much to ask, and I don't know why I can't get it.
Tumbleweed is so going down, I don't care how good that damn pumpkin praline cheesecake is....they have my vote this December for a good place to bomb.