looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

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A new personality?

Hi! you don't know me...I rarely appear as of late, but when I do, I'm a force to be reckoned with. I guess you'd call me Susan's Stubbornness...or Susan's Will. I'm not separate like Ema or the "new" Susan, but more like the integrated Susan, the real Susan, or the One-That-Came-Before. I've been motivating the changes of late.

While I've not wrote here about it...I think that I've been the victim of extreme unrest for the past 6 months. It started shortly before, bursts of anger at my career and lack of motion in life. And now the intervals between the bursts are shorter, my decisions easier to make and getting easier to accomplish. I think it all started with the realization that I had never been in one place or one city or even with a partner as long as I have now. I'm a mover, but not a shaker. I like new places, new towns. I have always felt like I was on this great quest to find a place where I fit in, that felt like home. I could never describe what I meant, or how I would know I found it. I was explained that it was like looking for a home that you'd never been to or seen. It was an ache, a void that begged to be filled. Many places came close; Boston, San Francisco, Portland, Rome, Toledo Spain. But I never thought I had it just right until Asheville. Asheville was as close as I've ever come. The energy of the city was palable. Artisans, magesty of nature, an active queer community, and city-wide cultural festivals. If I've ever come close to happiness, Asheville was it. I never thought I'd loose that city or it's feeling for me. But then, alas, even the last time I was there, it had all gone. All the attraction and magnetism had failed. I felt little more than nausea. With each travel, with each move I felt a kind of wanderlust creep into my heart. I wanted more, I wanted different. And so I would go...travel...or move. Besides the return of wanderlust, anger and depression of my career have driven me lately.

One of the worst crimes of self that I think anyone can commit is to do a job that you do not feel passionate about. But to pare that with doing something that you don't even enjoy?...*shiver* and that's where I feel I am. Not to mention, but this job was always (make that Always) supposed to be temporary, just something to do until something better came along, or until I could get back to school. That was delayed by acting liking the job for a short while, and then finding some fulfillment for a short while. I am not fulfilled or liking it anymore. I feel wanderlust....

So...fair friends. Where does that take us to now? That's where Determination, Motivation, and Stubbornness come in.

Behind the scenes in the last 2 weeks, I have researched graduate schools, master's and doctorate programs, GRE tests and job applications. I have made some inquiries, and began preparing for the eventual going back to school. I would like to do this as soon as possible, but am feeling the crunch of spring deadlines. I would love to begin in the fall, and am going to see if that can be done. I have began contemplating the best way to go about getting professor recommendations (because I never thought to ask for them while still in school doh!), thinking of old school days, and getting all pumped up for homework :D (which I love like a true nerd). I have even considered the possibility of going back to school for just another bacholers in Graphic Design. I tell you, I'm back on the path of happiness (true happiness seeming to only come to me as learning and wisdom). It's like this spark that fed all my youthful successes in education was finally back, driving me to shake loose the mundanity in which I've been wrapped. I want to shine again; I want to reach my dreams and goals.

This would all surprise the people around me now. How often I've pledged to change my life and do such and such, and yet, quickly lost the will and effort to support the goal. This time, I made no pledge, I vowed no oath, I just did. The people of my past, namely my family and old friends, would recognize this effort. They would see the old Susan that used to determinedly prowl through education and tell the laughing bystanders that she WOULD get a distinguished, WOULD get in that program, WOULD have whatever she dreamed. And she used to....I used to...I think on it now and see a young woman and girl that knew what she wanted and put blind faith out that she would get it. And she would have to....if only things hadn't gotten off track. And that is all that things are, just off tracked. Not derailed, not forgotten, just temporarily waylaid from my master plan. Because while I feel old, I'm only turning 28, not 50...and I do still have time.

I wish myself luck, but know I won't need it. If I keep the will and motivation, I know that I'll succeed.
Tags: about me, rant

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