looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

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Dreams are a portent to desire...

I had a very long dream last night, and in it got to see one of my old friends from my first college, Daniel. Daniel was one of the best people to have ever come into my life. He was always one of those people that were so good, that I actually wanted to be a better person for him. We spent 3 wonderful years as great friends and no matter what person I was, he still hung by my side. The first time Daniel smoked pot, it was for me and with me (which was only my second time). The first time he fell in love with a boy, it was because I encouraged him to live his life the way that felt the most natural. It was like we pushed each other to get out of the box and to find what really made us happy. He had the most encouraging and infectious laugh. Everything around Daniel seemed so much easier. He felt like this little friend that I could put in my pocket and take on the world with. I loved that man sooooooooo much. One summer break in college, we corresponded with each other through real letters. We made a game of trying to outdo the other in our fancy printed envelopes. The funny thing was that our letters were totally nonsensical to anyone but us. They were all about 10-15 pages, loaded down with stamps, and in each letter, we would just have a conversation back and forth, asking a question in one letter, the other would answer and expand, then in the next, we'd discuss it, and so on and so on. I would read the letters out on the porch swing, laughing out loud, hugging the letter for lack of being able to hug him....it was the sweetest thing. We parted when I transferred to North Carolina and when he was about to leave for graduate school in Washington. I missed him dearly but never so much as today following this dream.....

it was like I was really there meeting him after all these years. It was so strange.....and so I looked him up on google today and found out that he is having quite the successful career working as a teacher at the University of Washington and on the board of directors for one of Seattle's AIDS groups. He is such a beautiful person. I tried to track down an email address, found one for the university and wrote him a little letter. I truly hope that he responds, I miss his influence and his light. It never fails to amaze me the amount of beautiful people who have helped to guide me through my life. It seems when I was on the right path, I was surrounded by them, but when I have fallen off, there's just one or two to try and guide me back. Daniel was there when I was focused, he was there when I ran into walls....I need to get back onto the focused path. Why am I playing around with life? Will I still be sitting on my death bed remembering the good days as those waaaaaaaaaaaaaaay back in college? That's not satisfactory for me. And this time, I plan on bringing my current light bringers onto the path with me, they can split where the path says they must, but I will not leave them behind. I want to gather my people back to my breast. Having them close, helps everything.

I completely had it out with my boyfriend last night. Yesterday afternoon, it started as a small thing, but I just let it flow. First it festered for an hour, but then it's like it all exploded out of me. I told him what I thought our relationship was headed for, what I thought of him and his attitude, and how I felt about us. I was crying before I knew it, unfortunately right over a litter box that I was changing (tears + ammonia=pain!!!) He was silent for most of the night after that....I only hope that he thought about it. He tried to be comforting in bed hours later, but I'm having none of it. I want him to decide what he wants, because I'm tired of being in limbo. I'm tired of this rollercoaster ride. I want resolution, I want confidence, I want action. It's all coming.....I feel the electricity in the air. One way or another, things are being put in action that I will not be able to stop. He needs to decide what seat he will be in, because I've already taken my place on the front row.
Tags: about me, night musing, random thoughts, writing

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