When I woke, it all hit me....last night. It all was said. I cried about it all, it happened. I can't take it back.
We had a tift about sex, or rather the lack of it. Once again, I had played the role of seductress and gotten shot down. The excuse this time? "You've been smoking." WTF? I've been smoking for three years and this has never been brought up before. We had a slight argument, it had been two months now since the lack of intimacy, so I thought either you're masturbating constantly or you're having sex with someone else. I know his pattern, I know that he can go two, maybe three weeks without sex, but after that he's randy as a dog in heat. Two months??!! Nothing was resolved. He was close to sleep, I was wide awake. I festered in bed, back to his sleepy form. I got up and went to the living room, I smoked a cigarrette, I watched x-files. I got mad again and went to the bedroom, deliberately flopped on the bed to disturb his sleep, and fell back with a loud sigh. I tried to control myself....I tried. But I couldn't help it. I began to cry again...
i rolled over on to his chest, and words began to fall out of my mouth. "I can't do this anymore. We're never going to work. I'm miserable, you're miserable. It's been three years, and we've done nothing but fight. We constantly fight. We aren't going to change. Love is supposed to be easy. It's not supposed to be this hard. We're just not going to work. We should break up."
He said, "We're just two different people....but I love you."
"I love you too, but this isn't going to work. Love isn't enough reason to stay together. It's not enough for a relationship to work. You are never going to be able to give me the attention or affection that I need....and I'm never going to be able to live with that. I'm starving for attention. I'm thirsting for affection. I'm dying without intimacy. It's not good enough for me. We deserve better than this."
He said, "But I love you. We can do better, I can give you more. I'm just so tired of living this way. I'm so tired of being fat, and we're out of shape, and you never want to do anything. You just sit on that computer all night."
"You do too! If I'm not on the computer, you are, or you're on the phone for hours with your family. We can't keep doing this. You push all the time! You push for us to go out, you push me me to exercise, you push me to be someone else. You don't love the things about me that I love, that I think make me an important person. That's not going to change. Pushing doesn't motivate me. I'm just so tired of everything. Everything is always on me! I have to take care of the house, of the bills, and then you still tell me it's not enough. I have ideas about how we should rear Austin, but my ideas are not wanted because I'm apparently not considered qualified to deal with your son. But you don't understand that I love him, and I want him to grow up and be better than either of us. I want him to be a beautiful person. So I try to teach him, and you say I'm picking on him, or on his ass, but really I just want to help him."
He said, "I know."
"So what should we do? Should we break up?"
"We have to do something Jason, we can't keep doing this....I'm not willing to continue like this. Do we need to break up, separate, get counseling? What? We have to stop attacking each other, it seems like everytime one of us says anything the other reacts with hostility. I don't want to do that anymore....but we can't do it on our own. We need help."
He said, "I'll just go back to cutting on myself. I stopped and everything just went to hell."
"What?! No...you can't...I can't take it." and I dissolved...."you don't understand what it's like being the partner of the person who cuts. It's such a small step from just going deeper and killing yourself. I never knew when you would....I've never stopped looking for fresh marks on you...It kills me everytime."
He said, "If you haven't stopped looking for two years then...."
"I can't stop looking, it frightens me...I don't want you to do that. If that's what you're going to do, then we have to break up. I can't do that again."
Nothing resolved....It continued for hours.....and now.....now I don't know if he'll be back tonight. I'm not sure whether I want to see him back. I can't go back on it. I can't start again the same. I've been saying the change is coming....he asked if we weren't together would I go back to school and I told him "absolutely". Will he come back tonight? Will it be the same? I'm still a mess. He's still a mess. We're a complete disaster. I do love him, honestly I do. I'm in love with him even....but I can't live like this.
I need help. And I prayed all night for god's intervention in my life, for the strength to fill me to take me on the next step. I haven't felt any strength fill me, I feel so utterly lost and alone.