looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit
emaleythe

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Gay-dar no more.


This may be a controversial topic, but one that I shall leap into anyway....I feel that I've lost my gay-dar...I used to walk down the street, meet people, and just know their gayness. And now? Is it possible that people are slipping in left and right without even making a bleep on my monitor? Now, I will say that the gay-dar does not just hit on stereotypical points. Sometimes it was just an unreal gift alerting me when I could have no possible other way of knowing. I enjoyed it, it let me find people who were on my team, sometimes before they even realized it themselves. I never used it to out anyone, spread rumours, or anything like that. But it was a nice little thing that I had. But now I find that I'm just not sure anymore. Is it because my GLBT community has dwindled? Is it because that part of myself is often hidden now under heterosexual trappings?

I'm really not sure.

I suspect that my love of women is starting to take a back door. I miss that. I miss knowing a woman's love and intimacy. I miss hanging out with the girls. I miss my friend Anngee, who always was on top of all the activism that we had to join. I miss the support groups, and my wacky fag friends. Mostly, I miss seeing the little cute things that can occur between people of the same sex as well as different sexes. Somehow seeing my guy friends kiss is so much sweeter than seeing a man and woman couple. I've always been slashy in my heart, even if I never really fit in with the gay community. Hell, I've said it before, and I've said it often, I just don't fit in either community, het or homo. And other bisexuals? For the most part of the ones I knew, their emphasis wasn't on love and relationships but instead on lust and whoredom. I've only met a few that took it all as seriously as I. You could argue that I never met the right ones, and perhaps that's true. But many of them were just whores.

Now, I've always felt that in the end of all things, I most likely would stay in a long term relationship with a man, if only for the whole having children factor. It's not that I don't know that I could have children with a woman, it's just that the whole two people coming together in one miraculous person was just so fetching. But despite that, I always felt most comfortable with my girlfriends...well, the ones that weren't psycho at least. Those relationships made sense. Our motives made sense and it felt a hell of a lot more natural. *sigh* I wonder sometimes now if I'll ever get to be in another relationship with a woman. It seems sad to me to think that I won't. A piece of me that will always be separate from reality. I guess there's not much choice though. If I'm with a woman, I feel separate from my love of men, either way it sucks.
Tags: about me, writing
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