I'd prefer that any and all comments on the following bit be kept to oneself. I'm too confused already with my own feelings to take on anyone else's. Thank you.
Today has been a very trying day. I fought with Jason over him wanting to join the Army. It may be selfish of me, but his plans concerning that just screw up any plans that I had for the next 5 years of my life. He just doesn't see past what's in it for him. He doesn't see that I want a marriage, children, furthered education, and a home in the upcoming years. His joining the army would screw that all up. Even if he waited a year like he's saying, who the hell wants to start out a marriage with one person gone for an indeterminate length of time? Not me. And if he's gone for the whole four year term, what the hell am I supposed to do? I am not willing to go that long without a loved one, nor that long without trying for children. Not to mention that I don't think a marriage between us would last the first year if he was in the army. I hate to say that, but it's absolutely true. He says that he's tired of doing everything for everyone else. I told him that I'd like to know what, if any decisions he's made in the last four years of our relationship for anyone but himself. I do not see any sacrifices that he's made except for living in Glasgow. That's the only one where my wishes won over what he wanted. Otherwise, all the sacrifices have been mine. He swears that he's sacrificing all the time.....*looks around* Where? How? Am I not the one that has pushed off and pushed off going back to school so that he can finish his degree? Am I not the one who has stuck with a job that I detest so that we can be supported? Am I not the one that gave up living in another state and a promotion so that he could be closer to his son? Where is his sacrifice? That he has to drive 35 mins to school and his slow-ass, little paying job? Such a damn martyr, let me tell you. *sigh*
I hate feeling this way. I hate complaining about this relationship. It's so hard sometimes for me to stick it through and not just run away. Too often lately, I have fantasies of disappearing. The one I had today was that we would all go into a store, but I'd sneak off and drive away. I wouldn't tell anyone where I was going, I'd just go, drive to a new city and start over. Not that it would solve anything.
The "heated discussion" got to the point where Jason said, "We should just break up, get this over with." I didn't respond. I didn't talk for the rest of the evening. Silence for the next 5 hours, which of course pissed him off once he cooled down. He kept trying to be nice, but I felt cold. What do you say when you have nothing left? Finally, I spoke when he tried to hold my hand and I pulled away. I said, "You said we should break up. I'm operating under that assumption." He huffed and blowed that he was just really mad, blah blah blah. I said nothing more.
So now he's asleep in the bed, and I? I have insomnia. I want to think about things. I need to know what I want, whether I want him, whether that's worth giving up my life-long plans of a "happy life". I know what I want and I'm ready to cast off fear and procrastination and just get them. Like the house for example. I'm ready to go ahead and buy it. Forget about us being married first. Forget about putting him on the mortgage. I want a house, my credit is spectacular, and by god, I'm going to start earnestly looking for my home. I will not listen to that practical voice in my head spouting off things such as, "You shouldn't buy a house unless you know you will live there at least five years" or "You should wait a while and see if you get a better job". I will listen to my heart's voice telling me that I need to be settled, I need a home. I'm 28 and 1/2 years old, I want a house damn it!
It's so odd being the person that I know myself to be, and see myself being so timid and weak when it concerns this relationship. I'm really starting to wonder about my subconscious motivations. I can be so strong and upfront on so many other issues in my life, but with this? I guess it's time to go deep and figure it out. I've been asking him to, but where's my part in that thinking? It's only fair that everything be laid out before we proceed any further. That makes it sound so clinical and cold, but it's very important to me that I see it that way. Marriage is an enormous decision and committment. My Capricorn mind demands that I dedicate myself to making a good decision. Right or wrong, that is how I must decide.