June 8th, 2003

journies begin with the first step

Of child and things.

hmmm....i've a feeling I want to write, yet I'm sitting here exhausted after a weekend with my boyfriend's 6 year old. What is it about kids that drains everything out of you? Is it their unexhaustive abundance of energy which makes you realize just how tired and slowed down you've become? Or is it the chasing after them? Probably both.

Plus, it's a fight with my emotions every time we have him. Besides the fact that I'm desperately wanting to have kids of my own, it's so hard trying to mother someone else's child. I know that he's not my kid, and he knows he's not my kid, but still it's a pretty good relationship that we have. I'm like the doting aunt, the one that maybe lets him get away with a little more than he gets away with from others. The hard part is loving him so much, and wishing I was his mother, then hear him talk about how he wishes his mom and dad were still together. It just tears me up. He never knew that time, he wasn't even a year old when his parents split up the last time, yet he hears all this crap from his mother and it tears him up. What do you say to a child that wishes that he had his parents in the same house? It's hard for me or his father to deal with because neither of us came from a split house. But still, how do you get him to realize that his life is so much better with his parents apart then if they stayed together. It's not like you can tell a child that his parents were separated long before he was even conceived, or that his conception was an accident that made them think they could give it one more chance. Nor can you really explain to him that although his parents love him, they simply can't love each other. It makes me all the more convinced that I can't marry until I'm sure. There's hardly anyway I could hande putting my children through that. I guess I don't have to worry about that for awhile, at least not until my boyfriend gets off his ass and consummates this two year relationship with a proposal. Until then, I guess I'll just float.