July 14th, 2003

journies begin with the first step

abandoned

I have no friends, i've been abandoned by them for deeds and words that i didn't even commit. i feel like they have all left me to my own sick devices without word one about why. did i not support them enough? too much? did i get pissed off first and abandon them? why would they choose to spend their lives without me? i hate being alone....leaves me too much time to think, to worry. I miss you inosolan....i miss your music, your writing, your humor....i miss you trying to steal my cat.....i'm sorry....i'm sorry that i push everyone away.....
journies begin with the first step

strange dreams

i've been having a series of odd dreams lately....for some reason every one has been staged in england, with an entire english cast, save me. what i can't understand is why this obtuse dreams have all been english, when i've never even been to england....and why they all consists of me visiting people and then feeling left out, off course, out of sorts. is there something in the coldness that should be letting me in on a secret? or perhaps it goes hand in hand with my previous entry about abandonment. maybe i'm just so alone that i'm inventing new friends to reject me.......

another thing about these dreams is that i'm always with a guy and a girl....always a strange inter-gender friendship triangle....and of course, always english.....i wish that these dreams would mean that i'm going to travel to england....*laugh* somehow i don't think that's it.....

if anyone out there has any new insight or clue, please share....perhaps i'm not the only one