February 16th, 2004

journies begin with the first step

I hate this job!

Why is it that I can move five tenants in and seven move out? Why can't I seem to keep my head above water? In these days of the Bush administration, you would think people would want to hold on to their homes in order to remain stable....but instead, we have the constant drifters, the eternal children unable to make up their own minds. Have we come so far in society in putting no pressure on people to succeed or to take personal responsibility that more people would live on assistance than actually work? That people who would be renting a free apartment, can afford to be choosy? That they can move in and then two weeks later, move on? What the hell is wrong with America these days?

In other gripes, I can't find my own personal space for happiness. And I feel that I must be contributing to my own demise, by perhaps looking beyond for something better. I'm not sure if its the grand American dream that I'm looking for or just the dust in the wind. How can I be in a relationship that makes me feel like while I'm loosing essential parts of self, I'm also gaining the family I always needed. Or am I just clinging?

The stars are telling us all to accept and let go of the past right now. That holding on to the far ago will continue to be detrimental unless we act right now to give ourselves peace. There is so much in my life that takes away from peace that I am curious as to how far I am supposed to go. Because the laundry and the housework drives me crazy, should I just suck it up, throw it out, and clean it up? That's an easy one, ...YES. But because my relationship and impending marriage is driving me crazy, am I supposed to give him up, give up the family? Not so easy. And what of work, I hate this job, it's nothing that I ever wanted to do, and although I am good at it, its something that continues to grate against my happiness. So do I release it? Do I go spinning into the spiral of unemployment just because the stars tell me it's detrimental if I do not? Someone please give me a shotgun!

Argh! So you see, damned if you do.....finish the rest.