May 28th, 2004

journies begin with the first step

G minor morning was a d minor dawning

i am changing my life. as we speak, I am improving myself, growing as a person, becoming more positive, going above and beyond. All the negative, all that's wrong, will have no choice but to fall aside. If i make myself better for myself, then the path will get brighter, be straighter, and a hell of a lot easier to see. I have been through a lot. This is my chance, this is a starting point, and I'll be damned if it fall away. "In the midst of winter, I finally learned that there was in me an invincible summer." "Begin doing what you want to do now."....yes....and if i grow beyond, and stronger, and more assured, then if the relationship doesn't go with it, then it too will fall aside. I told him last night that i'm changing, i'm not the same as I was, and I won't end up being who I am now. And either he has the opportunity to change with me, or without me. That if this relationship is right, it will continue, and if not, then it will end. I may not have the strength now, but I will have the strength. And no, not everything is his fault. I do spend too much time on the computer doing things that I like to do other than spend time with him. And right now I do enjoy spending more time with Catherine and Glenn than with him....but there is a lot of him in the problem. He refuses to see it, he thinks that I want to just keep getting fatter and fatter to spite him. He thinks I don't care how I look. He thinks that I am lying to myself if I tell myself that I'm attractive, although he admits that I am (just not all the time).....I see him lying to himself, I see him using his self-deprecation to color the rest of the world in the same hideous paint that he puts on himself. But I refuse to be painted by him, I've got a hell of a bucket of paint-thinner cleaning that shit off the second it touches me. And I am changing....if he chooses not to then he too will be set aside. He too will become another faraway part of my past. I do love him, love the person that he is, I hate his actions, I hate the abuse that he puts himself and others through, but I love him. I believe that he does love me, but I do not believe that he knows how to love. I do not believe that he abuses me persay....I just don't think he knows how to treat people, to give love or to accept it. Perhaps he will learn, or perhaps he never will, either way, it's not going to be my problem. I will not try to change him, but I will not marry into a lifetime of this either....we did not fight last night, we talked, calmly (mostly) and adultly (if that's even a word). I don't want to fight...I want solutions, I want effort, I want love.

we went to bed, I wouldn't touch him.....i felt cold, separated....he couldnt stand it. it was as if it was killing him to be that far away, first it was a finger touching my leg, then a hand, then when I rolled over and away, he curled up behind me, kissing, it wrong that i still felt cold. It was lying next to a stranger. and then the storm came, the hellish storm that shook the windows and kept me awake. there was no less storm brewing in my heart.....
journies begin with the first step


i just came -><- this close to hitting a child just now....if there's anything I can't stand, its a rude disrespectfull potty mouth child. I was coming down to talk to the parents of a girl who had just hit another small child when I walk up on a group of black children absolutely telling off a child. I yelled at them to stop it, and to back off. They claimed they didn't do anything when I just heard them do it! So I tell them that it doesn't matter, that they need to go back to where they live or are visiting and to leave the other children alone. They start telling me what for, rolling their eyes, I swear, I got right up in the face of that little girl and pointed right up in her face, "Don't you roll your eyes at me little girl!" She started to walk away mouthing me, so I followed her, told her to "go, get" and while she continued to mouth, I was like, "That's it, I going to your house, and I'd better find some adult there." No adult at the house, they said they were going across the street to their mother's house, so I was like, ok, fine, that's ok, I'll write you up and call Child services.....mouthy bastard children....god if they were mine, I'd fucking beat them.