June 23rd, 2004

journies begin with the first step

The blackness

I don't trust her. Truth is, I don't really trust anyone. Guess that's part of the problem of living with mental disorders. But her, especially, I can not trust. She seems to be one thing, in actuality another. It's hard to know how to respond to her, for fear that it's all a game. The thing is, I I don't think she realizes that she's playing it. I believe that she feels geniune, simply expressing one feeling to the next. And I try to go along, but my feelings are not as important as hers. I tread deep water in our conversations, she walks shallowly through mine. Perhaps we are too self-involved to really care about the other. So I put on my specialized "friend" mask for her, and try to be what she needs me to be, because I don't trust her enough to let her see all of me. It shouldn't be like this, shouldn't have to feel like I need to watch my back....but I do. And nothing has happened to make me not trust her, just that sneaky feeling that our feelings for each other are not mutual. Ah, paranoia, my old friend.

I swear, if I could afford it, I'd be knocking at a therapist's door. Not that it ever helped much for me, as I spent the entire hour telling a person my psychology theories as to why I am the way I am, instead of busting through the bullshit. All of my real breakthroughs occurred by myself, sudden realizations, sudden breakdowns, the loss of hubris,....I need a friend that will understand me better than I know myself. A person that will listen patiently to my ramblings and not feel they have to fix me. Someone who will see what I'm doing wrong, but not judge me for it. But no such person exists, everyone judges, especially me. And no one can ever know me because I refuse to share parts of myself anymore. But isn't that wrong? And if I'm too afraid to take the risk, then the true friends will never come to me.

What I have left of myself is so precious to me, held tight to. I have lost myself over and over due to traumas, victimization, tragedy. I can't afford to loose anymore. So selfish I am, but the strings I hold now, are so few. The bundle I once had have all been stitched in; they left me. I feel that she has my strings, but she's not in the right place to share. We are not in the right place to help the other. How can it be that we're both falling apart? I'm in a desperate shape, despite my talk, despite what I convey....I'm falling into the black again. I can't find the light, and I'm barely holding on to my partner's hand. Jason is holding me together, he's the only one. He understands the blackness, he sees it fall over my eyes. How can everyone else be so blind? Or if they do see, why do they not care?

I'll shut up now...no one cares anyway....just me, and my record.
journies begin with the first step

hahah, I have been affirmed!

I love steve burns. His blob and website tickle me to no end. Here I am feeling down and stupid, and then he has this lovely little thing of affirmations on his site.

enter for downloadable clips of affirmations
hehe, affirmation 2 was my favorite....silly steve....#1 reminded me too much of blues clues, which is funny because I used to get stoned and watch that show. Used to love it when Steve would say "You're so smart" I was always high as hell, talking back to the tv "Why thank you Steve. No, no, you're smart too." LOL! I'm insane....

I emailed Steve, maybe I'll hear back from him....he was always my favorite....
journies begin with the first step

gifting....

Catherine can be at times, too good to me.....she sent the hubby up to my office just now to return some music and sent along a gift of rocks and stones with explanation of their uses.....I do not deserve the gift, but I thank her for it...perhaps if I hold on to them very tightly, maybe some of it will rub off on me...Thank you Catherine, I do not deserve to have a friend like you.
journies begin with the first step

my color

you are teal
#008080

Your dominant hues are green and blue. You're smart and you know it, and want to use your power to help people and relate to others. Even though you tend to battle with yourself, you solve other people's conflicts well.

Your saturation level is very high - you are all about getting things done. The world may think you work too hard but you have a lot to show for it, and it keeps you going. You shouldn't be afraid to lead people, because if you're doing it, it'll be done right.

Your outlook on life can be bright or dark, depending on the situation. You are flexible and see things objectively.
the spacefem.com html color quiz
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journies begin with the first step

freaked out...

okay, i was trying to waste the last 14 mins of work and googled my username.... along with the usual mentionings of livejournal stuff, was this strange link. I clicked it and have found my livejournal is listed as well as many many other sites saying its a "usage statistic for www.granbaol.org " . I have no fucking clue what the hell that site is....no clue why I'm listed as a usuage statistic, and really want to know what the hell this is about....because frankly, I'm thinking about government tracing, data collection....argh! And the worst part? devvie and royko are also listed, as well as a few other livejournal pages....what have you guys got me into? (yes i'm blaming yall :D)