February 21st, 2006

beautiful

Surviving none-the-less

Today is my first day off since 7 days ago and my only day off this week. I woke at 10:30, sadly too early, and after some bipolar like mood change decided to go with Jason up to E-town. I unfortunately didn't get that far, as the phone rang a few minutes early. It was HH wanting to know if I could go up to a hospital call for a victim that had been brought in. I said yes before I had time to talk myself out of it. As soon as I hung up the phone I got quite distressed. This would be my first hospital call and it's falling only 4 days apart from the 5th anniversary of my own ordeal.

Needless to say I forced myself to go. And may I say that while it was awkward at times, and I wondered if I was doing it right, it wasn't near as nervewracking or unnatural as I thought it would be. It felt eerily "right", I'm not sure how to explain it. It was hard to not put myself into it though, and I felt I may have talked to much...but at the same time, they seemed to be okay with it, and if I'm not upsetting them, than I could not have been that bad, right?

The tiny similarities between the victim and my cases kind of hit me in tiny ways, but I wasn't so concerned that I lost focus.

Of course my own experiences are now flooding my head, now that I'm finally home. I feel a bit agitated, went a little naggy and bitchy on Jason as soon as I got home. I felt so pissed off and perpetrators and men, society and the law system. Gah! Just brought up all those issues, you know? Like I was on some sort of mission to abolish rape and to completely change the way all of the "system" deals with us survivors.

I don't know what to think right now...need to go off and cope.
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