looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

  • Mood:

On being busy.

I've come to a tenious understanding of myself. It's not a large "OMGWTF moment" or even a catheclismic catharsis, but rather a "Hmph" moment. I realize now...

that I like to be busy.

I claim to hate being busy, and I actually thought that I did, but nope, not true. I do still hate "busy work" given by teachers and bosses who think that you have nothing better to do, when in fact you have much MUCH entertaining or worthwhile things to do. However, the process/experience of being busy is actually pretty joyfull for me. Perhaps that can explain why I always enjoyed research papers in college, but how I'd leave all the writing and editing for the night before. Also, it very much explains that even after I've worked and worked all day at the office, I come home to what I've begun thinking of as my 2nd job, and begin again diligently on all my creative work. I prefer sitting and tackling projects and I love to take on housecleaning in huge spurts. I don't like keeping everything up to par, just a little here and there. No *shakes head*. I want to tackle huge projects and be busy.

I suppose you could say that this inclination towards busying oneself most likely leads to some direct esteem-lifting effect. I enjoy it because it gives me the internal award of having actually accomplished something. Part of the reason I enjoy the website and making graphics is that nice pat on the back when people recognize your success.

So the question becomes, do I publicize because it's what I love or because I'm whoring for attention? I think the answer lies in both. Sometimes the best reward is knowing that you have succeeded, while at other times it really is the prostitution principle. Do I think that I'd create less if I was the only one that enjoyed it? Perhaps, but that certainly didn't slow me in my early beginnings of Photoshopping, where the joy of any creation and the knowledge that I would get better drove me. On the other hand, I have created much less writing since loosing most of my support for that. Writing is a very hard creative form without some outside editing. I lost my editors, and thus lost much drive. I still write, but to only 1% of what I used to write. Writing used to be all I had, and I had no real place to publish it other than to my filing cabinet. I created just as much, but the key there is that I enjoyed my writing. I don't often like what I write anymore. Sometimes, yes but mostly no.

So being busy is a plus. Being bored is hateful. Should I be making some platitude now about needing someone to pile the work on? *shakes head* No, that won't be necessary but it is nice to have a heart-to-heart with yourself sometimes.
Tags: about me

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