What you've all been saying... - The Void: Mind Wanderings of a Lost Soul
What you've all been saying...

All ridiculous crap aside, let's get down to the root of the matter. Do I step back from the moment at times and see just how disturbingly obsessed I've become over Craig? Does it feel overwhelming and have the tiniest feeling of being out of control? I know these are questions that some of those near and dear are asking themselves currently. You may have forgotten or not known of the obsessive episodes in the past. May have not known their magnitude or infection in my life.

So you want to know the answers to those questions posed. Well the answer, gentle readers is yes to both. However, there are questions that you may not be asking yourself that get beyond all the flash and gaudy words and images. Those questions are the secret inside knowledge that I have, and I'm willing to be my own deep throat.

You worry about the obsession; I worry about what's behind it. My dearest seekingautumn has often expressed disappointment that she can not find a fandom into which to throw herself. I know that she and I are made of different stuff that will never allow her to slip into the fandoms like I have. Ever since I was young, I have thought of myself as an appreciator of beauty and an eternal romantic. I was the daydreaming believer, filling most of my childhood lost in a dazed fantasy land full of the people I looked up to and ripe with golden days. It is easier for me to fall into fantasy than out of it. Perhaps part of that is my genetic makeup, but a large part of it I believe goes back to coping mechanisms.

I have always been honest about my lifelong battle with chronic depression, but I have not always been so honest about it while I am still in the stranglehold of an episode. Instead, I wrestle with it, throwing a distraction for the rest of the world to watch. Distractions have come and gone over the years. First were books, followed by singing, acting, magic, embracement of geek-dom, sexuality, spirituality, and now photoshop. Meanwhile, fantasy has always played a large part allowing to mix my distractions with a full cast of favored people. It was those fantasy people that let me cling to hope while going through the void. Sure people may cringe away and talked awkwardly of my "condition", but no one would notice that pesky depression behind it all.

Unhappiness of one type may bring about different obsessive compulsions than unhappiness of another type. For example, unhappiness with relationship areas of my life will bring about an increased fantasy life about someone else whereas an unhappiness with my career results in increased obsession with finding gratification in another area.

By this point, I think you are fully aware of what I'm saying, but I'll continue on. I am right now, a very depressed person. I am lost, I am again feeling the weight of the enormity of the world and my tiny alone space in it. I am constantly lonely even amongst you friends. I go to bed alone each night and feel like crying. It feels like there's no one who could hug me, as if my wispy form would just drift out of their arms. Of course, that's pointless as no one is there wanting to hug me. My head is black and heavy, pulling my shoulders down in a desperate slump....but, I'm clinging and I'm fighting it in my usual silence. I'm finding some happiness and beauty in one man, one life. And it's in those times of neurotic creation and fixation that I'm finding the solace that is promised me.

I will pull out of this one, as I've pulled out and away from all of them. Perhaps it would be easier if I didn't fall for these people so easily, though I do love the feeling of always being in love.

There is sanity under all of this. I promise.

Tags: , , , ,
Feeling: morose morose

8 Serenades or Sing a Song
smurphy487 From: smurphy487 Date: July 29th, 2005 04:30 am (UTC) (Link)
from one who lives with depression to another

{{{{{{{{{{{{BIG HUGS}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}
pippins_penny From: pippins_penny Date: July 29th, 2005 04:39 am (UTC) (Link)
I have never obsessed over anyone before Billy Boyd. I think he came into my life when it was falling apart. He represents my ideal man, sweet, kind, giving, sexy, funny, pretty, charming, successful.... I could go on and on! Things in my life still really suck and he is a wonderful distraction. I just have to make sure that it is not taking away from my life!! Which he sometimes does!!
From: seekingautumn Date: July 29th, 2005 05:52 am (UTC) (Link)
I swim in depression so black that I can't even find myself most of the time, but I don't know why we handle it differently. I hide from the world, go underground, but you hide behind sexy men from Scotland. :) So, yes there is an appearance that all is swimming right along. But, with the difference comes something that is the same. If no one is there to hug us it is because we won't allow them to be there. Instead of connecting with real, flesh and blood friends who could fill the spaces, we choose to fill it with fantasy and games. I love you with a depth that I've yet to experience for many friends, but when I am feeling lost I don't run for you. And, you don't come knocking down my door either. Nope... I play SIMS and watch for signs of life on LJ, and you make icons and do the same. Blah blah... I know, Im yappin on, but at the end of it all I just want to say I love you, and I am here for you, even as broken and warped as I am.
arcticnyx From: arcticnyx Date: July 29th, 2005 06:04 am (UTC) (Link)
I'm trying to grasp what it is to be in this... fixation too. I've gone through this before (monty python, Kevin Spacey...) although not to this extent. I think its so strong this time because I can turn on the television at 11:30 any weekday night and see the object of my desire.
I think to myself "what exactly do I want out of this?" I honestly don't think Craig and I would even get along if ever we crossed paths. I think I'm fixated because I want to be 'like' him, not be with him. He's charming and funny. He's a chattering extrovert that's very talented on so very many different levels. I wish I could achieve that sort of character and talent.
And I know that's lame because 'we should celebrate our own strengths'. I do. But I'd like his too. :)
Depression is also an issue in my life. When I develop a rich fantasy life it's because reality ain't so hot. I'm in a happy positive relationship (fortunately he's very understanding of the situation) but everything else right now feels like I'm in a rut - where I live, school, work, my domicile, etc.
So, I understand too.
Photoshop on!
kaidysoft From: kaidysoft Date: July 29th, 2005 06:37 am (UTC) (Link)
I am known as "Mrs.Teh Orli" on the fuselage...

most people message me with "oh, I saw Orli on TV and thought of you"

I understand completely, yet find myself to be normal (to my standards, maybe not other peeps! lol)

From: (Anonymous) Date: July 29th, 2005 01:55 pm (UTC) (Link)


You are never alone.

I love you as you are always.

mpythonfan From: mpythonfan Date: July 29th, 2005 03:01 pm (UTC) (Link)
*hugs!* I don't know why I obsess over a million things. I've been weird like that since I was really young, my first obsession was Billy Joel (it hasn't gone away lol) Maybe I'm just weird. Though I do get really depressed a lot so maybe that has something to do with it...Nah I think I'm just odd :)
devvie From: devvie Date: July 29th, 2005 07:36 pm (UTC) (Link)
You have a tremendous amount of insight about yourself..although I know that probably doesn't always help. I was just looking at the photoshopping as a release and also a gift because you are very good at it...but you know yourself better than I. You know the pain beneath the smile. I'm just a friend who wants you to be happy, healthy and loved. My prayers are with you. Hugs
8 Serenades or Sing a Song