looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

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What you've all been saying...

All ridiculous crap aside, let's get down to the root of the matter. Do I step back from the moment at times and see just how disturbingly obsessed I've become over Craig? Does it feel overwhelming and have the tiniest feeling of being out of control? I know these are questions that some of those near and dear are asking themselves currently. You may have forgotten or not known of the obsessive episodes in the past. May have not known their magnitude or infection in my life.

So you want to know the answers to those questions posed. Well the answer, gentle readers is yes to both. However, there are questions that you may not be asking yourself that get beyond all the flash and gaudy words and images. Those questions are the secret inside knowledge that I have, and I'm willing to be my own deep throat.

You worry about the obsession; I worry about what's behind it. My dearest seekingautumn has often expressed disappointment that she can not find a fandom into which to throw herself. I know that she and I are made of different stuff that will never allow her to slip into the fandoms like I have. Ever since I was young, I have thought of myself as an appreciator of beauty and an eternal romantic. I was the daydreaming believer, filling most of my childhood lost in a dazed fantasy land full of the people I looked up to and ripe with golden days. It is easier for me to fall into fantasy than out of it. Perhaps part of that is my genetic makeup, but a large part of it I believe goes back to coping mechanisms.

I have always been honest about my lifelong battle with chronic depression, but I have not always been so honest about it while I am still in the stranglehold of an episode. Instead, I wrestle with it, throwing a distraction for the rest of the world to watch. Distractions have come and gone over the years. First were books, followed by singing, acting, magic, embracement of geek-dom, sexuality, spirituality, and now photoshop. Meanwhile, fantasy has always played a large part allowing to mix my distractions with a full cast of favored people. It was those fantasy people that let me cling to hope while going through the void. Sure people may cringe away and talked awkwardly of my "condition", but no one would notice that pesky depression behind it all.

Unhappiness of one type may bring about different obsessive compulsions than unhappiness of another type. For example, unhappiness with relationship areas of my life will bring about an increased fantasy life about someone else whereas an unhappiness with my career results in increased obsession with finding gratification in another area.

By this point, I think you are fully aware of what I'm saying, but I'll continue on. I am right now, a very depressed person. I am lost, I am again feeling the weight of the enormity of the world and my tiny alone space in it. I am constantly lonely even amongst you friends. I go to bed alone each night and feel like crying. It feels like there's no one who could hug me, as if my wispy form would just drift out of their arms. Of course, that's pointless as no one is there wanting to hug me. My head is black and heavy, pulling my shoulders down in a desperate slump....but, I'm clinging and I'm fighting it in my usual silence. I'm finding some happiness and beauty in one man, one life. And it's in those times of neurotic creation and fixation that I'm finding the solace that is promised me.

I will pull out of this one, as I've pulled out and away from all of them. Perhaps it would be easier if I didn't fall for these people so easily, though I do love the feeling of always being in love.

There is sanity under all of this. I promise.
Tags: about me, craig, rant, stuff to avoid, writing

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