changed my LJ header again last night, but I'm not sure how long it will stay up. Something about seeing your own face everytime you open your journal is quite....eery? You start going over all the fat and the beginning wrinkles, the dark circles, the bulging eye sockets and you start obsessing. Maybe if I were one of the "beautiful people" it wouldn't bother me as much but considering that I'm not feeling very beautiful it's very....interesting. But for gobwash's benefit, I actually paid attention to the file size when I saved it (so nyah :P) so that it's not 900Kb or something. And just because none of you never got to see me with the weird striped blond/red hair, I slipped a tiny picture in of it at the bottom. But you can't see it that well (and I am sans makeup, showing just how I normally look from day to day (not the prettiest of sites)). What's sad is that none of these pictures were taken by someone who loves me and wanted a picture of me, but taken all by myself for myself. It seems that unless I document myself, no one else ever will. And damn it, we all need pictures of ourselves through the various changes of life. Besides that, I never like the pictures that other people take of me, it's like they don't even try to make it a good shot, so that in consequence I look to be about forty yards wide with an ass that could take out a small city. seekingautumn's seen me, she knows I'm not that large. So my next big treat for myself is that I want to have some professional pictures taken of me, by a real photographer, not some Wal-mart special. I want to have at least a few good full body shots to signify this part of my life. If I was famous, there would be pictures of me everywhere :).
still pretty down today. Last night it was so bad and no one was around, I put up a message on my messenger for "someone please talk to me because I'm depressed and lonely as hell". Surprisingly, just a few moments later someone talked to me for a few minutes, a miss billyboydfan who I hadn't talked to in the longest time (for various reasons), but she walked me off the ledge and then kindly let me go watch Craig. Jason came home a bit later, and I made him pet on me until I felt good enough to go to sleep. Everyone wants to know why I'm so down right now, I keep saying "I don't know" but really I'm thinking "how the hell can't you understand that this last month has been especially insane and that so much shit is going wrong and I can't even keep my head about water?". Do I really have to have a freaking reason, though? I am a diagnosed clinically depressed person who is on no medication, with no current therapy regime. Depression has been and will be a lifelong struggle, is it so hard to believe that occasionally the void comes back? *throws up hands* Just what part about a chemical abnormality in the brain do some people not understand? It's not like it cures itself, and cognitive treatments that I give myself only go so far. Depression just happens. I have no more control over it than someone with a physical disease.
I just feel so lost right now. I've been considering things a lot lately, and tracing paths of my life. I told seekingautumn about it one day. I'm trying to see that even at the lowest points of my life, things were sent in motion that have led me to better existances. For example, the one I told her was about the abduction. If I hadn't been abducted, than I wouldn't have had the breakdown that led to me moving back to Ky with my parents, and had I not lived with them, I wouldn't have wanted to move out and into an apartment with my friend Kim in Franklin. If not that, then I wouldn't have got a job in Bowling Green with her sister, not have met Jason, wouldn't have moved to Glasgow. If I hadn't have moved to Glasgow, I would not have rejoined mirc and met Pammy or Royko, or even David. I would not have gotten a livejournal (because David told me about it and royko was awesome enough to give me a code [yes, this was way back when you had to get a code to join]). Without the livejournal and without Jason, I wouldn't have started to watch Techtv (*sniff sniff* how I miss Leo) and would not have found out about There. With no There, I'd never have met seekingautumn or theshadowwolf or my buddy Chris, and danu and wolf would not have moved down to Glasgow. I wouldn't know any of you fabulous people, I wouldn't have been able to be the huge Billy Boyd and Craig freak that I am, I wouldn't have my best friend. And all of this because I had to go through that awful experience.
So what I'm trying to convince myself of now is that while this time seems very awful and horrible [and may in fact get worse before getting better], it will get better. I will move on and discover great things about myself and about life. I will have fabulous people in my life that I wouldn't want to not know.....but it's very hard to convince yourself of that when you are living with your current situation. The possibilities are endless. I just need lots of love right now, and I'm feeling unlovable. There aren't enough arms in the world to hug it all out of me, and I'm thinking of restarting the antidepressant drug regimine just to help boost me up a little bit out of the void. I do so hate the side effects though. Maybe I'll do some experimenting with natural treatments, with hopes that they will work.
It's 10 AM and I should be doing some work.....but I don't really feel like it. Only 4 more days in this office after today. I'm so sick of people pestering me wanting me to move them in before I leave. Well they can suck it, cause I'm not going to. I should however, go ahead and make a list up of the waiting list so that they move the people in in the order that they applied, that way no one gets shafted. I also need to write up the list of the people who are supposed to be transferred, so that they don't just ignore them. Even in the mood I am now, and as hurt as I am that the new owners don't want me, I don't want the good people that are my residents and applicants to have to suffer. I'm just too emphathetic.
I have heard back from the volunteer position btw, I got it! I start the training for the rape crisis center next Thursday (the same day that I start my new job). I am excited, but nervous. I have waited so long to be in a position to be able to help someone else through their traumas, and honestly I'm much better helping someone else than I am myself.
I've also received word from my company that they are going to force me to go work at that other property I HATE, 2-3 days a week until they (and I quote) "decide what to do about a manager there". What decision is there to make? Fucking hire someone, and this time make sure that you screen them better than my old boss. (Did I ever tell you that she hired the last manager simply because "she has good hair, nice clothes, wear nice jewelry, and has all her teeth"? There was no mention of her qualifications, just that. I was floored. By those specifications, I wouldn't have been hired if my boss had done the initial interviewing because I have crappy hair, crappy clothes, minimal yet bohemian jewelry, but I did have all my teeth.) So on top of the four properties they already assigned me to assistant manage, now they are throwing a whole other one on top of it. This job is starting to sound worse and worse. *sigh* Perhaps that's what triggered the void yesterday.
But on the plus side, I notified my committee leader of my change in job and told him that I would understand if he wanted to appoint a different person in my place (because as of this time, the lowest position on the board is my current job as manager). He wrote back saying that he wished me luck in the new position but that he'd like me to stay on the committee, so yay! Hopefully, this won't all turn around into forcing me to attend the company seminar in September, because I can't miss my volunteer training sessions. *crosses fingers* Here's hoping everything works out.
Didn't I say that I needed to get back to work? Hell that was a half hour ago. This is becoming a marathon journal entry....okay, off to slay more dragons.