you know what I've been thinking all night? I've been thinking that i might have had a nervous breakdown in quitting my job. Yes I was heading that way whether I quit or not, it was coming either way. At least I had it here at home where there was less collateral damage. hehe....but seriously, this morning I feel awake for the first time in a long time. Like the last five weeks was just a daze. I feel so different this morning, with no sleep, nothing special happening....just me and the house and this strange thing like hope in my spirit.
I think it's all going to be okay. I have to believe that.
Last night I confessed to my best friend Catherine that I was feeling so low that thoughts of self harm and suicide had crept into my thoughts a lot as of late. I didn't tell anyone, hadn't told anyone, this, it's a hidden shame I kept. I've not had these feelings in such a long time. Anything felt preferable to actually trying to pick myself back up and go on. Those thoughts are not completely gone today, I'll admit. However, they are better. I feel so silly saying them here, but I need to let it out. Everything has been so hopeless and endless for me, I was trying to keep my faith that God would provide, but I wasn't believing it. I didn't believe that putting things in his hands would make it all ok. I was ready to face the consequences, come what may, and just leave it all. But I found the love....love of life, love of friends and family, love of hope....and I couldn't do it. Each time I just couldn't, I took another step, another day, a little sleep and I kept pacing the ledge.
I really do feel a bit snapped inside. I never thought that I'd let another job break me ever again, but it did and I did. That betrayal of self is always what stings the most, it's what has always stung me. I have purposely avoided calls from Hope Harbor and emails requesting I take shifts, knowing that I could never be any help to anyone while feeling this bad. I have failed to contact anyone with the program to let them know. I think that I should do that, but I do not think I can say that. I half joked to Catherine last night that if anyone needed the crisis line it was me. I say half joked because I know that is true, my crisis has taken over my body, mind, and soul.
I am keeping the same sleep patterns that I had while I was in recovery after the abduction, in other words, I can't sleep. I stay up for what feels like (and sometimes is) days at a time, running on some invisible string of energy, only to crash for 2-8 hours, and then get up and do it all again. I'm eating maybe once a day, and not well, managing to loose 5-10 lbs in the last 5 weeks. I feel hungry for a moment, then loose the appetite a minute later. I tell myself it's a good thing, I need to loose weight and well, money isn't there for us to eat well. I tell myself it's all good, who needs sleep or food? but I know that is just another self harm mechanism that I'm using on myself, one that could very well reach into the long-term.
I go online, I smother myself in a persona. Often I'm more Ema than I am Susan. Tonight Catherine said my name in chat and I startled. It was so strange to hear someone call me Susan and even stranger to see it in my other world. No one says my name anymore. I don't even receive mail anymore. It's like Susan is disappearing and there's only Ema, cute skinny red haired Ema. Ema can't and shouldn't have all of me, when did I let that happen? When did I loose the Susan? But no one cares about my name in there, I'm just a pixelated set of boobs and ass named Ema. Ema doesn't care, but Susan should. Susan will.
Today, I'm going to take some steps. Today I will do something new that I've never dared to do before, I'm thinking it should be cooking naked, since someone mentioned that to me today and I realize I've never done that. And then I'm going to do something else that I haven't done online, I'm going to tell at least one person that my name is Susan. Damn it, say my name say my name. I will become real to them. I will. I'm going to go on my interview, as soon as I can get someone in the office. I'm going to dress up, put on makeup, leave this damn house, and take some breaths outside. I'm going to take down the pathetic Halloween decorations that I put outside and make up more of the Autumnal porch decorations. I'm going to finish my painting and take pictures of all three of them that I've completed. I'm going to cook dinner, and eat at least two meals today. I'm going to wash dishes. I'm going to make Jason laugh at least once no matter how silly I have to be to do it.
I'm going to make sure that Susan lives today. And Ema? Ema may get a little play time....but not all time.