looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit
emaleythe

  • Mood:

holding it back....

just once i'd like someone to do something for me and let it be known that they are doing it just because they love me so much or because it means so much to me that they do it. Just once.

Why is it that I can't ever have my separate worlds connect? If I meet new friends/boyfriends/ people, why is it that I can never get them to get along with my other friends? I love both, so why can't they ever just connect? I swear it makes me feel like I have made an error in judgement on both sides because I can never understand (with the exception of one person in my life) why they don't just click. It always happens....I should never let my different loved ones meet. It shouldn't be important to me perhaps, but it is. I want to be able to spend time with those I love all at once. I don't like to have to make a choice between them, and I don't want to be made to feel like shit when I do prefer one over the other. But it always happens....so the question is, do you spend time with your love that is new and fresh thus committing social suicide or do you choose the tried, true, and faithful friends thus alienating the love that you care about? I know what my choice has always been in the past, choosing my love, but I also know how that causes a rift and distance that can never be repaired amongst your friends. But I don't want to lose this new bond......so what do I do?......

At the option of losing one side or the next, I chose to abandon both sometimes. As if running will help anything.....and thus my one relief from the miserable circumstances of my life is lost. Then again....if J doesn't get a job, I won't have electricity or internet anyway. So it would be lost nonetheless. I'm so freaking depressed.....I swear I could just.....I'm not going to cry in front of this computer....I'm not going to.....
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