The Void:Mindwanderings of a Lost Soul

just when i thought i'd never find the time to write in this, I decided it's time to continue on with my list of things I'd like to change, writing in my journal regularly being one of them. This year has been one of the hardest years of my life and without my permission things continue to rapidly change and move into directions that I never guided them. After much thought, I decided that was the problem in itself, not that things change because that is unavoidable and welcome, but that I haven't been guiding them where I want them. And whereas, I do not perceive being able to get outcomes exactly how I want them nor do I forsee an end to the changes, I do think that I can do a bangup job of getting life back where I want it. The last time I was successful in "getting back on the beam", I found myself sitting in the perfect spot for opportunities to start knocking and felt content with every aspect of my life. Unfortunately, as it happens, I came to one of those crossroads of life and went through a lot of hell. All that hell has led me down an interesting path: first back to Ky, then to move to Franklin, followed by a job at Afni where I met my fiance, which led to Glasgow, meeting my best friend in all time, and then to having my lil Lukas. This time I hope when I reach the beam that there won't be another bit of hell for me, but I will not discount it if I do. Good things can grow out of piles of shit.

Recently, from talking with Danu, I came to realize that there's so many venues of self-help that I have been ignoring, some as simple as written affirmations. Now I never used affirmations before, but I believe if nothing else, they could keep me centered in my path. Prior to talking to her I'd already begun some deliberate changes to get me back on track. I have sensed some improvement and with perserverance I should notice a world's difference. And so, more for my benefit than for others, I think it's time for me to write down these lofty and not so lofty goals as I have set for myself.

1. Get into graduate school.
          -minor goals in this pursuit:
               a)several hours study daily on subjects concerning the GRE, to include working through the Barron's GRE study prep and the website with even more focused prep work
               b)vocabulary refresher through the study guides, daily and also with the addition of including as much of these words in conversation and writing
               c)communication with WKU on admissions, programs, and graduate program
               d)individual research on the programs and careers that interest me
2. Get into a healthier state of body
          -minor goals:
               a)exercise daily even if that only includes rousing play with Lukas sessions
               b)walk without complaint as much as possible, knowing that yes I can do this and no it will not kill me
               c)begin making meal plans with at least one meal a day to be prepared for the family from recipes
               d)when not making a family dinner, I will have purchased healthy choices for my other meals
               e)when monetarily possible, join a gym to which i will commit going at least 4 days a week
3. Get finances into a comfortable nonstress state
           -minor goals:

               a)begin making money again either through own business or finding a job
               b)begin keeping the checkbook and bills in order to a point of obsessive compulsive order
               c)as my contribution to the financial status of the family increases I will increase my control over how it is spent
               d)through making menus and preplanning, spend less of splurgey groceries and waste less through nonuse

that's it for now....but that will change :)

Feeling: hopeful hopeful