looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

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on Jason

Because I need reminding sometimes and it's good to remember why I began loving him in the first place, I'm making a list of things I love about Jason. I know that he's been logging into my journal, so I hope that he'll read this and know that I love him. These things are never far from my mind, but have a terrible time passing my lips. There's no one to fault in that but my own inability to open up.

*when he's in a good mood, nothing makes me feel safer and better than his geniune smile
*he has all these random facts in his head that he spits out sometimes, and the way he says them always makes me laugh (like Jesus maybe wanting to *create Christianity because he didn't want to pay for his holy baths or can I ever forget "feral cows" hahaha, god I still love that one)
*he's extremely smart in all things mechanical, just has this inate ability to understand and fix things
*despite his complaints about his body, I always felt that we fit together and I love throwing my arms around him
*his hugs are perfect in that movie way
*when he choses to put in the effort, his romantic ideas are not only endearing but make me feel really special
*we started out with daily lovenotes about nothing (and besides the very few random emails over the years, I really miss those notes with all of my heart)
*he holds my hand in the car and it comforts me (even though i must annoy him by always switching so that my hand ends up on top....and i wish that he would psychically sense that I want to hold hands more often but am afraid to touch him most of the time)
*he says cute little words in his own way (some favs: amnish, waspers)
*despite his complaints, i know that he would do almost anything to help a friend
*he needs people, he absolutely needs people
*though i was always interested, he brought out my adventurous side in the one place I always felt Catholically restricted *coughthebedroomcough*
*when he is able to get past his own troubles, he can be the most loving and fun father for the children
*he dances in the cutest way and i'll always want to see dancing baby :)
*he has tried, in several ways, to love me when I'm far from my best and has tried to save our relationship many times. When i've been cold, bitchy, not wanted to be touched, he has stayed, kept trying, and not ran off with some hoochie. when i've insisted that he seek help for various troubles, he actually has and that's something that i know he never did for any other woman. And when i've been unfair or cruel, he has kept it to himself many times and not lashed out with terrible words that would slay me. For all of these things, I am grateful.

Things that have been bothering me lately, and I'm afraid to say to him:

*you are loved, massively loved, but you are having a hard time seeing past the void right now. if you can be patient with me, and let me ease back past your wall, you'd find that we could connect again in all the ways that you have been missing
*when we are having a good day, please don't push so hard for intimacy that I turn off. you have to understand that at this point, intimacy has been far and few between in the last couple of years and I actually do need an easing into period. Please just go slower, actually make some sort of attempt to warm me up to the idea. yes this will take much more attention and foreplay than you may have had to do in the past, but I can't make it go faster. When we are at such odds, and things are so stressful, my body just won't cooperate without much much warmup. I'm not trying to be a cold prude, it's just the honest to god truth. I want intimacy and am trying to push myself further into it every day. So please don't slap me down when I am just trying to make it better so that I feel more into it.
*when you insult our children by not being patient with their age and idiosynchroncies, you insult me. they are my heart and soul, and I can't stand hearing those things without hurting for them.
*I don't want to change who you are, I just want to change where you are. I know you will never be the dancing happy monkey, but is it too much to hope for that you'll be happier or more able to deal with daily life?
*though you insist that i don't, i fully support you in all the things you want to accomplish. fact is, I know you can do all of them. I just want you to have the faith and the action to know that you can and are.
*when you say that you have "discovered" that you are attracted to fat girls, it makes me feel fat. And hearing that makes me wonder if that's the only reason you are with me and whether you'll leave if I ever get my shit together and lose the weight. That's paranoid, I know....but that's how I feel.
Tags: about me, depression, family, night musings, random thoughts, relationship

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