well, i've been thinking over lunch, still am really....thinking hard about things....i'm a complicated person, i've long realized, and there's usually a whole lot of shit behind something....so i analyzed, possible overanalyzed....here's the issues, put here mainly for my benefit, but if you want to hear, you can also read.
1. One of the things I asked my boyfriend in recent days was "What do you feel about dating a girl who's responsible for putting a man in jail?" What I really meant is "what do i think about myself for putting a person in jail?"
well, i think a lot of things. I think that's an awful pointed question. I know, I didn't put him there, his actions did. But still, it seems weird to me. Can't explain it, it's not really guilt, but more like....sadness, shock, horrifying realization, you know...on top of that, of course relief, happiness. But dampened by this other feeling.
2. Before the trial, and after the trial, there was this expectation that once I had resolution, once the trial was done, for good or bad, that this part of my life centered around this ordeal was over. The grand triumph had been had, there would be a new resolution, a new focus, a new path of the beam to follow. Makes sense.
Result: by thinking this, i wasn't really lying to myself...it is a fresh start so to speak. I have been vindicated, validated, and saved.....so why do i feel so bad? i think it's because of many things, and while its a fresh start, i'm bummed. This weeks horoscope reaffirmed the whole mess saying :
""Desire makes everything blossom," mused French novelist Marcel Proust. "Possession makes everything wither and fade." If the first part of that quote is true, Capricorn,
you'll be in full bloom any minute now. The astrological omens suggest that your longings will explode with the forceful beauty of five dozen long-stemmed red roses arrayed in a spiral on a silk-covered bed. But what about the second half of Proust's quote? Will you feel withered and faded once you have possessed what you desire? Not if you're a student of cycles; not if you're one of those wise, highly evolved Capricorns who's as skilled at having as you are at wanting."
so this led to the thoughts of:
3. What do I desire? and if I desired it, how would I go about getting it? And am I one of those "wise highly evolved Capricorns who's as skilled at having as you are at wanting"?
Hmm....I once desired to write, be married, have children, go back to grad school, become a paranormal psychologist, and expand my learning forever. I believe it would be possible to do and be all those individual things. It's I suppose my one large dream. I believe I could still do and would do all those things....but the start.
4. Beginning a new phase? Can this really be as scary as not being able to end a phase?
this question also takes on part two of #3. Because its incredibly lucky to have one of those still point moments where you are making all the decisions on how you were going to turn in life. But it's also incredibly scary....I'm scared I'll make a decision and it will lead me further from my dreams, and that I'll be in a worse position than ever before. Or I'm also scared that eventually I will succeed and it will be great, but before coming to success, I'll go through a lot of suffering and ordeals to get there. I don't want to suffer anymore. I feel I am old enough and have been through too much shit to keep having to go through it. I want and should demand a little peace and ease by now. I'm feeling the age wear in....can almost not afford to give extra, just to get ahead. Now I want it, because I can't afford to give extra now. too old to feel that horrible suffering is tolerable in order to gain the good. Plus, I want to live good, and evolve, and follow the beam. I want to do what I'm meant to do.
Making a plan of how to achieve my dreams means so much. It means, perhaps taking the risks of leaving it all, or leaving a job, or a place....in order to break loose and follow the path wherever it may lead. I don't think it can come while I work this job....
5. I am not one of those capricorns skilled at having as i am at wanting.....but that's because I've never had what I wanted other than just 1-2 times in life. I'm used to losing and wanting...just not having and wanting.....
6. Yet another concern was found in my last journal entry: "sigh* i need something else beside him, that way I always have something to look forward to."
I realized at lunch.....i have something else, one that will help to begin a new phase in my life....Danu is coming in a week. I don't say it often enough, and I have a hard time being serious about certain things...but I feel a strong connection with Danu. She completes the hole that has been long empty, or only half-filled. But she completes it....at least for my side, she's so much that I miss about myself, and so much i look for in companions. I feel confident that by standing together both of us can begin tackling and improving parts of our life. That's how much I trust and feel for her. And the world will be incredibly different and new again when standing beside her....I'm very happy she's coming but it's so much more than just a replacement obsession, because it's so different.....*hugs* love you girl!
7. I keep having disturbing freudian slips a lot...I finding myself writing ....strange things in otherwise normal writings....it's hard to explain...change of pronouns, crazy phrases slipping into a sentence....I'm not able to explain it...just weird...things that make you hmmm...I have to carefully edit lately....except when writing on the story...strange...
I was done writing this when two things happened....a) I always put my current music on last....what happened to be playing was this song, freaky!!!
b) got a call from a friend, sounding weird, saying they have to come talk to me really really badly. All I can think is , ohoh, better not be bad or affecting me....what a selfish thought, but really...shit...i'm raw right now.