looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit
emaleythe

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ruminations....


She wasn’t happy, couldn’t remember the last time that she felt “alright”. The problem was not defined, there was no perfect scapegoat to blame. There was only a general malease and miscontent that spread its fingers through every aspect of her life. Normally, she would have said that this was just depression, a disease that had plagued her since a child, but lately she thought that it was something else. Could it be that she had created this monster for herself? Lyn thought that was very possible.

She had lost touch of the spark that used to give her hope. She had once thought that she was better than all that, better than the commonality that surrounded her. And being better, all she had to do was apply herself and she could make sure she didn’t end up with a common job, common life, common family. Rather than give up that hope, she now watches with increasing horror as she settles herself in a hollowed out seat of the common. Perhaps it was a young person’s supernatural thinking that caused her to believe that she was special, that she had some gift in her that wouldn’t let her be a “normal” person. Perhaps Lyn was never anything more than just a common person.

“I’m not meant to be famous, or well-off financially. I was never meant to be happy or to have a love that is healthy and good for me. Other people were meant to
have it all, not me, not Lyn of the knobs.”

Lyn was the best at negative self talk, perhaps her strongest trait. It was time that the negative self talk began to tell her the things that she needed to hear. No use in fantasizing or having dreams of grandeur, when none of that stuff will ever happen. It especially won’t happen as long as her midline keeps expanding, while her brain functioning narrows. It especially won’t happen while she sits day after day at a nowhere job, in a delapadated house, with unhappy cats and an unhappy mate.

If Lyn wanted something different, she should have been smarter. She should have stuck to those dreams and not let go, she should have made different decisions and ran after everything she wanted. She should not have chickened out, lost interest, been stoned….She should have been proactive about getting and keeping that date with Nick, she should have tried out for the plays, taken more creative writing courses, kept submitting her work for publishing, taken the GRE, applied for grad school, moved cross-country, married Brandon…..There’s so much she should have done to end up in a better place than she now found herself. But she didn’t, and she doesn’t have it, and she has only herself to blame.

Not that she couldn’t change it all now and still end up with some of what she originally wanted. But to change now? Lyn wouldn’t even know where to start. There was so much negativity that surrounded her, leeching all energy she had out of her daily. Which one do you let go first? How do you deal? These were all questions that she wasn’t prepared to answer yet…and not really sure when she would be able to. Perhaps the best thing to start work on was herself. Maybe she needed some of that young magical thinking again in order to pump herself up. Or maybe, she just needed out.
Tags: about me, writing
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