sometimes I am too negative. I agree with that statement. However, what I hate is when other people tell me how I'm so negative, and all I ever hear from them is negativity. Isn't it possible that these people may think that they are not negative, yet actually are? And is it not possible that all of us see ourselves differently from what we project? Because frankly, I know myself on the inside is super negative, I fight it off daily with a stick, but I actually project less negativity than I actually feel do to situational reasons, work, etc. I know my friends see most of my negativity full on, because it's impossible to keep it hidden all the time, but they also see the lighter moments of silliness, belly laughs, little giggles. At work, unless talking with my friends or coworkers, I often have to project that sunshine blowing out my ass little smile....answer those questions of "how are you?" "how have you been?" with "good" and "fine", when really I've felt like hell or had been depressed.....I don't know....I need things to make me happy....need to search out things that I can do....but when I do that, how do you handle other people? Who think you're wasting your time? Or are "obsessed"? Or who think that you are stupid?

I don't know...sometimes I can stand fast and stand up and tell people to back off, that my mental state is worth more than they believe it to be. Sometimes I cave and think, yeah they are right, it is a waste of time...blah blah....but usually, I'm torn....I wish I could do things like other people, like step out of their house, go to a club, and be happy with that....but for me, social activities are often what I consider to be a waste of time....I do like to be sociable with my friends, but not with strangers...I don't know....suddenly I am tired, must be all that food eating.....want to take a nap.....

Wonder when my boss will get here.....

Tags: about me, rant, work
Feeling: confused