looking for the exit (emaleythe) wrote,
looking for the exit

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Stormy weather...

Reason #457 why Billy Boyd would never love me: I am not a giddy, jolly, happy person. I get bummed...a lot. And that would annoy the piss out of him. Although I tell myself that if I was with a lighter happier person that I would bring some of that back into my life.

I feel hated, disliked, and disrespected. The sky today looks like I feel, dirty, clouded, and promising storms. I am working in silence, no music to guide the ruminations, paper cuts, or shufflings. I wish it would rain and storm so hard that no one would find where my office blew to....I am so ready to crawl into bed under three covers and hide....:(....*sigh* why must I take people's feelings towards me to heart? And why do I only take the bad feelings to heart but never the good. What the hell is my problem?...

I need to be nicer to myself. I am beautiful, I am loved, I am smart, I can be hysterically funny that makes drinks come out of people's noises, I can rumminate forever on little topics, or argue you under the table over politics and social issues. I love the world, I love human nature, I love nature, like a hippie I'm out frolicking in the woods in capes, jumping over logs. I am unique, I crinkle my nose when I laugh, I worry perpetually about other people's feelings and lives, and obsess greatly over how I should treat people. I am quiet, truly, and will sit and contemplate things very carefully a lot of the time. I don't make judgements based on other people's beliefs about something or someone, I let them show me. I am fair and unbiased during a fight between people, and am always able to see both sides even if I choose to ignore it.......

but I'm told I'm a bitch, I have no feelings, I don't care, that I'm a stoner, that I'm unfair, that I have favorites, that I'm lazy, ugly, fat, that I have no mind of my own and that I'm a stooge.....filthy stinking liars....

They don't know me, so why should I expect more? But I do, and I should, because damn it, I give them respect. I may serve the truth to them sometimes, but I don't do it in a harmful, slanderous way. I do it gently, I do it without judgement. I just state the facts. Just doing my job Ma'am. But they take great pride in stabbing me...and they do. I try not to show it to them (never let them see you cry) but I've absolutely had to close off the office before because of it....I know, I shouldn't take it to heart....but let's be honest here. No matter how thick you're skin is, nor how much you say that it doesn't bother you....isn't everyone truly affected by what they are told about themselves? To some, it may not matter as much....but each little barb does take purchase, and enough of it does make an affect. I am grand believer in that if you are told something enough times that it starts to become true, or always was true and you were just denying. So if they all think this, is it true?.....I don't want to hear the answers. But I will say, that while I can be a bitch, and I was a stoner, I am not those things now nor are they so firmly in my personality that those words define me. I want to say that I refuse those labels, I refuse to be treated this way or to let it hurt me.....but I am not that strong, nor that sure that I can carry through. I guess what I'm saying is that I need some recoup time, time away from all this so that my "hit points", my "health" bar can go back up to full, so that I can face the slaughter again as a strong person, not one so close to tears.....zaftigvegan recently went on a retreat-like vacation, her descriptions sent my body violently yearning for the same. Right now, floating naked in that salty lagoon seems like heaven...heaven I tell you...
Tags: about me, billy, night musing, random thoughts, stuff to avoid
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